It's been four and a half months now and I have lost 45 pounds. I feel a little disappointed that I am losing the weight at such a slow rate. As long as I lose it all I will be ok with the pace, but I worry deep down sometimes that I may not lose the full 100 lbs. Overall though, everything is good for me. I feel good and it's nice to be able to fit in smaller clothes and feel lighter. I struggle with exercising consistently and as often as I would like. I know we do what we want and that's why I struggle because let's face it, who really wants to take time out of their busy day to exercise? I've done ok, usually exercising anywhere from two to four days a week. However I have begun to feel like I need to do more than walk the neighborhood or the treadmill. Last week a couple of teachers from my school talked me into going to boot camp. I was apprehensive since I know I am not ready for that level of exercise, but I went anyway. I was actually feeling light until I began boot camp. It only took about five minutes for my legs and body to feel as heavy as lead. I couldn't do a lot of the exercises but I tried. I must have worked some muscles since my legs and back hurt so bad for two days I could hardly go from a sitting to standing position without excruciating pain. It's hard to believe I used to be athletic and coordinated because you wouldn't know it now. It's depressing how we lose our coordination as we age. My head still thinks I can move like I used to, but my body does not cooperate.
Lately eating is easier and I seem to be able to eat more at times. It's nice to enjoy food again, but at the same time that's a little scary too. Last week when Halloween candy was being hoisted on my desk as gifts it was hard not to pick up the candy and eat it without thinking like I did pre-surgery. I managed to eat only one fun size candy bar so I guess I did ok. Since I don't crave sweets very often it wasn't as difficult to avoid as carbs are for me. I crave potato chips or anything in that family. I constantly want salty, crunchy snacks. I try to eat the 100 calorie snack pack of peanuts or almonds for protein but I prefer chips and Cheetos and any other type of chip. I also crave French fries, but try to avoid them. Jerry cooks good meals, but they probably aren't the best for a high protein diet. Part of the reason eating meat as protein is a good thing is because it fills you up quicker. However eating casseroles and pasta are easier and more tasty. I think I need to keep a food journal again so I can see how many calories and nutrients I am taking in daily. I've stopped doing that and know I need to begin again. I think it's especially important now because I've noticed I want to eat like before. I think about eating and snacking even when I am not really hungry.
My hair has started falling out and that freaks me out. I knew it would happen and I just hope that my normally thick head of hair will sustain me through the shedding phase without looking bad. I colored my hair brown instead of highlighting it to keep it healthy and away from bleach. It's much more difficult for me to style as well since my thinner hair doesn't take product as well as thicker hair. It could be I don't know which products to use right now. Hopefully this won't last long. I feel like my bathroom has become home to cousin "IT".
One of the most difficult things to remember is taking my vitamins. It's hard to remember throughout the day, and sometimes I don't remember or only take part of what I need. They don't always agree with my digestive system either. I know I have to take them forever which is a chore to me. I try to tell myself it's no different than a daily medication.
Since I've been so open about my surgery most people look and say they notice the weight loss. In the last couple of weeks people who don't see me often or that are not on fb have started to notice. I was in the elevator a couple of weeks ago at the board office with someone from the dept where I worked before. She commented and told me I looked good and she liked my brown hair. Then she said, "does that haircut make you look skinnier"? A couple of people have had difficulty recognizing me and tell me I look different. I've just commented and said "I changed my hair color". Last Sunday at church a lady I only know to say hello, asked if I had lost weight. She said I looked great and that even her husband had commented about my weight loss.
I've finally reached the point where the first number on the scale begins with a 1. Woo hoo! That was/is probably the biggest milestone I had hoped to reach. I can't remember how long it's been since I saw that number first on the scale. I know it's been more than 12 years. I've also started shopping in the regular sizes. I'm still at the upper range, but even so, I made it there. I never imagined shopping would be hard for me, but now I am in a territory I haven't experienced in a decade or more. It's hard for me to know what to try on, what style I even like now. I knew how to shop in the plus sizes, but my style there depended on what options were available and what fit so that I covered and hid what I could and still looked stylish. I'm currently in an awkward stage with clothes and have only shopped in limited stores. I'm trying to keep the cost down knowing they shouldn't last long at my current size. Recently I began thinking about some of the stores I might be able to frequent soon. I want to lose a little more before I venture to all the shops I have bypassed for years only to find the places that sold large sizes.
The journey continues and I am anxious to get to the the final destination. I am impatient and want to already be a size 10. I think it is harder now than before because I feel the urge to eat again. I get hungry and still have "mental hunger" too. I find myself thinking of food too often and know that the thought patterns that got me to my highest weight are not gone. It seems that even when I can't eat another bite and I feel sick, as soon as it passes, I want to eat again. I love food and don't know if that will ever pass. My husband tells me food just isn't as important any longer, but I have yet to feel that way. Even when food wasn't good, I still wanted it to be good and I still thought about what I might eat that would taste good. I pray I find a balance with my desire to eat and my eating habits.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Successes Are Worth the Challenges
Life has become a blur again since I have started back to work so blogging has taken a back seat. I'm nearly 12 weeks post-op and doing well. Doing well is not without challenges and many lessons to be learned to prevent doing stupid things repeatedly. It's hard to believe experiencing pain and sickness doesn't prevent you from repeating the same mistakes. As time progresses, food begins to have a different meaning in my life. I am no longer addicted to Mexican food as I was before. I still like it but no longer crave it. Foods I used to love and crave make me sick thinking about them at times. Watching cooking shows where they prepare heavy, large portion dishes are repulsive at times. I guess that is a good thing, but I do miss the enjoyment of eating as much as I want without that sudden feeling that says stop. I don't feel as frustrated with it as I did earlier, but I can't say I have enjoyed eating even one time like I did before my surgery. I guess people who have other addictions probably miss those when they quit as well. Changing bad habits is hard even when you are somewhat forced to change. Making the same mistakes over and over is proof to me I am fighting the change. One mistake has been eating chicken prepared certain ways that I once loved, now cause me pain and sickness, even throwing up at times. I hope I have learned that lesson now. Another mistake, made even last night was thinking I could eat more later since I was not able to eat all I wanted at a meal. We ate Japanese food last night and I wanted more than I could hold so I brought home leftovers. As soon as I got home I felt like I could eat a little more and began to eat the leftovers. When will I learn? I was in terrible pain. The food was stuck. I felt nauseated, but I couldn't throw up. I paced the floor, hurt and even thought at one point I was going to pass out. The room was spinning. Jerry just kept saying "I told you so". I told him the next time I started to do something that stupid he needed to knock me out. I never want to experience that again. It lasted at least an hour.
Challenges are to be expected, but challenges also bring successes. I've now lost 34lbs and am feeling "light". Ha ha, I am almost the same weight as my 6ft 4in tall hubby. In the past being fat wasn't so bad because Jerry was always fat with me and at least a 100 lbs heavier than me. After his surgery he weighed a lot less than me which was depressing since he is more than a foot taller than I am. Now I am 3lbs heavier than him and hopefully getting below his weight will be a quick success. People are beginning to notice my weight loss and that's exciting. It's funny some people ( only those not on FB) still don't know I had surgery. Last week I was at another school doing a walk through and someone I knew from the past saw me and kept saying "you look so good" and just kept looking at me as if she were trying to figure out why. It's been awhile since I've seen her so I wasn't sure she knew why I looked different, she just noticed a change. When you are at least 100lbs overweight it takes a lot of weight loss before its immediately obvious that you have changed drastically. I'm looking forward to the time when people see me and are instantly shocked. Since shedding pounds we've had a couple of fire drills at school. During a drill the principal and I walk the school to check to make sure everyone is out. In the past I was breathing hard and my feet and back were always hurting by the time we made it back to the front of the school. This year I feel so much lighter and still have plenty of breath when I finish the fast trek around the school. Now it's difficult to find something in my closet that isn't baggy. It's so hard to shop now because I'm already dying to buy tons of clothes, but am just trying to buy enough to get by as I hopefully wiz through this size to a smaller size. I can't wait until I get to the point I can go crazy buying all the cute "non-plus size" clothes I've always wanted to wear. I keep joking saying no one will have a clue what style of clothing I like because I plan to buy every style I've ever liked because I can. I may be dressed classic style one day and funky the next. The possibilities are exciting.
Despite the challenges of gastric bypass surgery so far the successes outweigh the challenges. I worried because I wouldn't be able to take NSAID drugs such as Advil or Motrin because I had lots of aches and pains. So many of the aches and pains are gone already with only 34 lbs lost. My right hip used to hurt everyday. I rarely notice the pain any more. The reduction in front and, how shall I say it?, "chest weight" makes moving around so much easier. Now my T-Rex arms can actually stretch across the front of my body. There are so many little, everyday blessings and challenges but I'm happy with the results so far.
Challenges are to be expected, but challenges also bring successes. I've now lost 34lbs and am feeling "light". Ha ha, I am almost the same weight as my 6ft 4in tall hubby. In the past being fat wasn't so bad because Jerry was always fat with me and at least a 100 lbs heavier than me. After his surgery he weighed a lot less than me which was depressing since he is more than a foot taller than I am. Now I am 3lbs heavier than him and hopefully getting below his weight will be a quick success. People are beginning to notice my weight loss and that's exciting. It's funny some people ( only those not on FB) still don't know I had surgery. Last week I was at another school doing a walk through and someone I knew from the past saw me and kept saying "you look so good" and just kept looking at me as if she were trying to figure out why. It's been awhile since I've seen her so I wasn't sure she knew why I looked different, she just noticed a change. When you are at least 100lbs overweight it takes a lot of weight loss before its immediately obvious that you have changed drastically. I'm looking forward to the time when people see me and are instantly shocked. Since shedding pounds we've had a couple of fire drills at school. During a drill the principal and I walk the school to check to make sure everyone is out. In the past I was breathing hard and my feet and back were always hurting by the time we made it back to the front of the school. This year I feel so much lighter and still have plenty of breath when I finish the fast trek around the school. Now it's difficult to find something in my closet that isn't baggy. It's so hard to shop now because I'm already dying to buy tons of clothes, but am just trying to buy enough to get by as I hopefully wiz through this size to a smaller size. I can't wait until I get to the point I can go crazy buying all the cute "non-plus size" clothes I've always wanted to wear. I keep joking saying no one will have a clue what style of clothing I like because I plan to buy every style I've ever liked because I can. I may be dressed classic style one day and funky the next. The possibilities are exciting.
Despite the challenges of gastric bypass surgery so far the successes outweigh the challenges. I worried because I wouldn't be able to take NSAID drugs such as Advil or Motrin because I had lots of aches and pains. So many of the aches and pains are gone already with only 34 lbs lost. My right hip used to hurt everyday. I rarely notice the pain any more. The reduction in front and, how shall I say it?, "chest weight" makes moving around so much easier. Now my T-Rex arms can actually stretch across the front of my body. There are so many little, everyday blessings and challenges but I'm happy with the results so far.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Working through the Challenges
I'm almost seven weeks post-op and I've lost about 26 lbs. I still feel like I am losing really slow to have had gastric bypass. I know that's a lot of pounds in a short period of time but I find myself comparing my weight loss to others who have dropped it faster. I've officially reached the stage that my doctor says I can begin to try foods to see how I tolerate them. As I mentioned earlier I was ready for a salad. I've had my share of salads now and have enjoyed eating them again. Actually I tried one before my soft food phase was finished and it didn't agree with me. However, I tried again after I passed that phase and had no problems. Again, follow the rules, I guess there are rules for a reason. The dietician told me to eat a little lettuce with protein on top which is how I eat salad. Since lettuce has no protein, it's important to add it to the salad. I like protein on my salad so that works for me. By the way Mellow Mushroom sells a lil chef, Greek and other salads. They are a really good size even though I still can't eat all of it. At least it's not gigantic like most restaurant salads.
I've returned to work and with that brings challenges for eating. During the first few days of meetings without the return of teachers, eating out went well for me. Actually everything was digesting well. I thought I was past the stage of feeling like food was stuck or feeling that pressure from certain foods. Overall, it is so much better than it was and it is improving each day. However the day the teachers returned and the pace of work picked up as well as the stress of getting things ready for school to open, everything I ate for a few days didn't agree with me. I would guess it is probably from being uptight while trying to digest food. I still feel like I don't have my routine down for eating, taking my lunch, exercising, etc to begin the rat race again. This week was so hectic and busy I only made it to the gym one day. The schedule I thought I had mapped out fell by the wayside because my hubby quit his part-time job. I had plans to go to the gym two times a week in the afternoons while he was working, knowing I didn't have to rush home. This week I realized, as it has been for the last year, planning afternoon trips to the gym don't always materialize. It seems the day I plan it something at work throws a kink in the plan. Jerry has offered to get up three days a week with me at 4:50 to make it to the gym by 5:15 a. m. So many people tell me there is no way they could go to the gym that early. I agree with them. This is going to be a challenge. I am not a morning person and I hate the thoughts of doing it in the morning, but I feel like its the best option. I've done it in the past, but couldn't remain consistent. Maybe we can help each other by kicking one another out of the bed when one of us tries to skip it. One of the biggest problems for me is making myself go to bed earlier. I can't seem to make myself do it and then I'm exhausted in the morning. Let me interject here and say all this is so much harder as I get older. It's true, you just don't have the same level of stamina when you are crawling toward that half century mark. Our goal is to go to the gym Monday, Wenesday and Friday mornings at 5:15 to 6:00, then home to jump in the shower and rush to work. The positive thing about exercising in the morning is the feeling you have in the afternoon when you leave work knowing you're done with the day and you don't have to wrestle with " I need to exercise". For those of you who tell me I'll feel great all day if I exercise in the mornings. I say you are a liar. I've never felt that way when I exercise in the mornings. Usually by 10:00 am I need a nap. Oh well, maybe consistency will change that. Say a prayer for us that we can do this long term. I admire people who develop great habits of exercise and stick with it. I can't ever seem to make these commitments a habit.
I am beginning to understand small portion sizes, but it is still difficult to comprehend filling my plate or bowl with a half cup to a cup of food. Last night Jerry cooked a pot of chili and as I begin to fill my bowl he had to remind me to stop. I wanted to fill it all the way up even though I wouldn't be able to eat it all. It is frustrating at times because I still want more, but I believe that will get easier with time. I still feel confusion at times because I know this is not a diet and I can pretty much eat what I want as long as I eat protein first and limit sugar to less than 15 grams. I can eat french fries with my protein if I want because ultimately if I eat protein first I will only be able to hold a few fries. I do understand that eating healthy is important and honestly I've always enjoyed vegetables and include them in my diet, but I don't have to deprive myself of some of the junk foods I like. One thing I do need to watch though are junk food snacks at night. I really like chips, crackers, etc and crave them especially after dinner. These snacks can prevent weight loss. They are easy to eat and digest so you can graze without thinking. Some people can be annoying trying to tell me how and what healthy, diet type foods i should eat. I know they mean well, but eating after surgery isn't eating like most people diet. So many people love to tell you what kind of vitamin supplements you should take or what kind of food is good for you. When I talk about food or vitamins I am not asking for advise. Some people feel the need to give it well meaning I know, but it gets a little tiring. With that being said, I realize I need to limit my conversation about the surgery, my eating challenges, vitamins, etc. I know hearing that every time you are near me gets old as well.
Although I've lost weight and most people know to look for it, I still haven't lost enough that it stands out when I see someone who doesn't know about the surgery. I'm anxious to get to the place that people really notice at first glance. I know it will come, but I am ready now. I think that is probably what sabotages many overweight people when they are trying to diet. You work so hard, lose a significant amount of weight, but because of your large size it isn't noticeable for awhile. Without the positive feedback, it's easy to give up the challenge.
Next week the students return so the daily routine continues and new challenges begin for me. I look forward to the distraction so I think of something besides food and weight loss, but I also worry about handling stress and maintaining right eating, taking vitamins and exercise.
5 Minute Nachos
Multigrain Scoops
Leftover chili (with meat and beans)
Salsa
Chopped cilantro and chives
Shredded cheddar cheese
Sour cream
I've returned to work and with that brings challenges for eating. During the first few days of meetings without the return of teachers, eating out went well for me. Actually everything was digesting well. I thought I was past the stage of feeling like food was stuck or feeling that pressure from certain foods. Overall, it is so much better than it was and it is improving each day. However the day the teachers returned and the pace of work picked up as well as the stress of getting things ready for school to open, everything I ate for a few days didn't agree with me. I would guess it is probably from being uptight while trying to digest food. I still feel like I don't have my routine down for eating, taking my lunch, exercising, etc to begin the rat race again. This week was so hectic and busy I only made it to the gym one day. The schedule I thought I had mapped out fell by the wayside because my hubby quit his part-time job. I had plans to go to the gym two times a week in the afternoons while he was working, knowing I didn't have to rush home. This week I realized, as it has been for the last year, planning afternoon trips to the gym don't always materialize. It seems the day I plan it something at work throws a kink in the plan. Jerry has offered to get up three days a week with me at 4:50 to make it to the gym by 5:15 a. m. So many people tell me there is no way they could go to the gym that early. I agree with them. This is going to be a challenge. I am not a morning person and I hate the thoughts of doing it in the morning, but I feel like its the best option. I've done it in the past, but couldn't remain consistent. Maybe we can help each other by kicking one another out of the bed when one of us tries to skip it. One of the biggest problems for me is making myself go to bed earlier. I can't seem to make myself do it and then I'm exhausted in the morning. Let me interject here and say all this is so much harder as I get older. It's true, you just don't have the same level of stamina when you are crawling toward that half century mark. Our goal is to go to the gym Monday, Wenesday and Friday mornings at 5:15 to 6:00, then home to jump in the shower and rush to work. The positive thing about exercising in the morning is the feeling you have in the afternoon when you leave work knowing you're done with the day and you don't have to wrestle with " I need to exercise". For those of you who tell me I'll feel great all day if I exercise in the mornings. I say you are a liar. I've never felt that way when I exercise in the mornings. Usually by 10:00 am I need a nap. Oh well, maybe consistency will change that. Say a prayer for us that we can do this long term. I admire people who develop great habits of exercise and stick with it. I can't ever seem to make these commitments a habit.
I am beginning to understand small portion sizes, but it is still difficult to comprehend filling my plate or bowl with a half cup to a cup of food. Last night Jerry cooked a pot of chili and as I begin to fill my bowl he had to remind me to stop. I wanted to fill it all the way up even though I wouldn't be able to eat it all. It is frustrating at times because I still want more, but I believe that will get easier with time. I still feel confusion at times because I know this is not a diet and I can pretty much eat what I want as long as I eat protein first and limit sugar to less than 15 grams. I can eat french fries with my protein if I want because ultimately if I eat protein first I will only be able to hold a few fries. I do understand that eating healthy is important and honestly I've always enjoyed vegetables and include them in my diet, but I don't have to deprive myself of some of the junk foods I like. One thing I do need to watch though are junk food snacks at night. I really like chips, crackers, etc and crave them especially after dinner. These snacks can prevent weight loss. They are easy to eat and digest so you can graze without thinking. Some people can be annoying trying to tell me how and what healthy, diet type foods i should eat. I know they mean well, but eating after surgery isn't eating like most people diet. So many people love to tell you what kind of vitamin supplements you should take or what kind of food is good for you. When I talk about food or vitamins I am not asking for advise. Some people feel the need to give it well meaning I know, but it gets a little tiring. With that being said, I realize I need to limit my conversation about the surgery, my eating challenges, vitamins, etc. I know hearing that every time you are near me gets old as well.
Although I've lost weight and most people know to look for it, I still haven't lost enough that it stands out when I see someone who doesn't know about the surgery. I'm anxious to get to the place that people really notice at first glance. I know it will come, but I am ready now. I think that is probably what sabotages many overweight people when they are trying to diet. You work so hard, lose a significant amount of weight, but because of your large size it isn't noticeable for awhile. Without the positive feedback, it's easy to give up the challenge.
Next week the students return so the daily routine continues and new challenges begin for me. I look forward to the distraction so I think of something besides food and weight loss, but I also worry about handling stress and maintaining right eating, taking vitamins and exercise.
5 Minute Nachos
Leftover chili (with meat and beans)
Salsa
Chopped cilantro and chives
Shredded cheddar cheese
Sour cream
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Keeping a Positive Outlook
I'm almost 4 weeks post-op. It seems like so much longer. Although many things get easier each day, I think I am entering the reality phase now. Each day has it struggles and some days facing them is tiring. There are many positives, but honestly I haven't felt as much excitement from them as I expected. Yesterday I had my four week appointment with my physician. I have lost 19 lbs according to his scales. My scales were showing less so I was happy to take his as official. I really thought I would feel more excitement about it, but I think I am feeling down in the dumps a little now. As you all know I've been experimenting with food. The last couple of weeks I believe I was too brave and I've paid for it. I've not been sick enough to throw-up, but after eating sometimes I am nauseated and miserable for at least 30 minutes. The dietician told me I needed to eat soft foods for the next two weeks so I am trying to do that now. It does help me feel better when I eat according to the rules.
As I mentioned earlier I am feeling a little down. I am not sure if it is from the surgery, changing my eating habits or that summer is ending and it's almost time to return to work. I always begin to feel this way when summer break is over. Usually I am a little ready to go back, but right now I am not feeling it. I feel tired, but restless all at the same time. Although part of me thinks the routine will be easier because I can begin to focus on something besides eating and losing weight. On the other hand I dread the pace again and am curious how difficult this will be when "stress" happens. One day a few weeks ago I went in for a few hours. I have had NO desire for sweets since the surgery. Sweets typcially are not my food of choice, but savory and salty foods are my favorites. I laughed because while in the office I immediately felt a craving for a butterfinger. That would be because our office is always full of candy and there is a drawer full of fun sized butterfingers. I hope as the year becomes stressful I can handle not having food as a source of comfort. After a long, hard day at work I love to go out to eat Mexican food or just have a nice, yummy meal at home. Although I still eat (a few tablespoons), the entire eating experience has changed. It is over in a matter of minutes. Nibbling and savoring a couple of extra bites are out of the question unless I want to feel pain and pressure. I miss the nibbling after the meal more than the actual meal itself. We have continued to eat out, but it is still hard to order a small enough portion. We are still working through the process trying not to order too much food. We ALWAYS have leftovers. The bad thing is leftovers don't settle well when re-heated. The dietician shared that re-heating food makes it more difficult to digest. I know I need to replace my stress "go to" with something besides food. The bad thing is I haven't found anything I like as well as food when I want to wind down. Some people (a friend of mine) and I will not mention names says gastric bypass is the easy way to lose weight. It isn't the easy way for me. I believe losing it on my own was easier than losing it from surgery. Don't get me wrong, you have no choice but to lose it, so you will lose weight. However, not having the choice is HARD. When you are sick of the whole thing and you just want to be done and eat whatever you want, you can't. However, the desire to eat is still just as strong. I was thinking about the process today and comparing it to having a good friend that you know is a bad influence in your life. You know you shouldn't hang around the person because they bring out negative in you or keep you from being successful, yet you like to be with them. You miss them when you decide to put some distance between the two of you. You actually grieve their friendship though you know it's best to stay away. I think that is the way I feel about food. I know too much is bad for me, terrible for my health, the way I feel, yet I miss it and I grieve for it. For me I feel like I am disciplined in many areas of my life and I've never liked having to feel disciplined when it camed to eating. I didn't want to think about counting calories or carbs or exercising.
We are considering a weekend at the beach since we didn't get a vacation. I figure food should be really cheap. Again, it is difficult thinking about vacation because to me vacation typically means good food, nice restaurants, etc. However, I am going to try and enjoy the beach and shopping. I do love both of those. Hopefully as the weight continues to drop my excitement will increase. I think once everything in my closet is too big, I will feel lots of excitement.
Latest Cravings
McDonalds little hamburger
French Fries
Chips and Salsa and Guacamole Dip
Salad
Isn't it funny that salad is on my list? I asked the dietician when I could have a salad. She told me that was her biggest question from bariatric patients. She is a WLS person herself and said she never wanted salad because it was healthy. I find it odd that all of fatties crave salad now.
As I mentioned earlier I am feeling a little down. I am not sure if it is from the surgery, changing my eating habits or that summer is ending and it's almost time to return to work. I always begin to feel this way when summer break is over. Usually I am a little ready to go back, but right now I am not feeling it. I feel tired, but restless all at the same time. Although part of me thinks the routine will be easier because I can begin to focus on something besides eating and losing weight. On the other hand I dread the pace again and am curious how difficult this will be when "stress" happens. One day a few weeks ago I went in for a few hours. I have had NO desire for sweets since the surgery. Sweets typcially are not my food of choice, but savory and salty foods are my favorites. I laughed because while in the office I immediately felt a craving for a butterfinger. That would be because our office is always full of candy and there is a drawer full of fun sized butterfingers. I hope as the year becomes stressful I can handle not having food as a source of comfort. After a long, hard day at work I love to go out to eat Mexican food or just have a nice, yummy meal at home. Although I still eat (a few tablespoons), the entire eating experience has changed. It is over in a matter of minutes. Nibbling and savoring a couple of extra bites are out of the question unless I want to feel pain and pressure. I miss the nibbling after the meal more than the actual meal itself. We have continued to eat out, but it is still hard to order a small enough portion. We are still working through the process trying not to order too much food. We ALWAYS have leftovers. The bad thing is leftovers don't settle well when re-heated. The dietician shared that re-heating food makes it more difficult to digest. I know I need to replace my stress "go to" with something besides food. The bad thing is I haven't found anything I like as well as food when I want to wind down. Some people (a friend of mine) and I will not mention names says gastric bypass is the easy way to lose weight. It isn't the easy way for me. I believe losing it on my own was easier than losing it from surgery. Don't get me wrong, you have no choice but to lose it, so you will lose weight. However, not having the choice is HARD. When you are sick of the whole thing and you just want to be done and eat whatever you want, you can't. However, the desire to eat is still just as strong. I was thinking about the process today and comparing it to having a good friend that you know is a bad influence in your life. You know you shouldn't hang around the person because they bring out negative in you or keep you from being successful, yet you like to be with them. You miss them when you decide to put some distance between the two of you. You actually grieve their friendship though you know it's best to stay away. I think that is the way I feel about food. I know too much is bad for me, terrible for my health, the way I feel, yet I miss it and I grieve for it. For me I feel like I am disciplined in many areas of my life and I've never liked having to feel disciplined when it camed to eating. I didn't want to think about counting calories or carbs or exercising.
We are considering a weekend at the beach since we didn't get a vacation. I figure food should be really cheap. Again, it is difficult thinking about vacation because to me vacation typically means good food, nice restaurants, etc. However, I am going to try and enjoy the beach and shopping. I do love both of those. Hopefully as the weight continues to drop my excitement will increase. I think once everything in my closet is too big, I will feel lots of excitement.
Latest Cravings
McDonalds little hamburger
French Fries
Chips and Salsa and Guacamole Dip
Salad
Isn't it funny that salad is on my list? I asked the dietician when I could have a salad. She told me that was her biggest question from bariatric patients. She is a WLS person herself and said she never wanted salad because it was healthy. I find it odd that all of fatties crave salad now.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Experimenting with Food
2 Weeks Post-Op
To begin I can report weight loss since I have hit a 10 pound goal. As of this morning I have lost 14 lbs. Honestly, I was hoping it was more, but I am impatient. I have lost 5 lbs since last week and I have never lost that quickly before so I am going to try to be patient. When I record what I eat and the small number of calories, I guess in my mind I expect 10 lbs a week. It seems like it has been longer than 2 weeks so I am sure that is why I am anxious for more.
I have learned a lot in a week about the foods I can and cannot tolerate at this time. I've been blessed because I have not gotten sick so far. I've experimented with several different foods and have had very few problems. Some foods are really easy to eat and digest. Once you find those foods, you really want to eat them. Foods you think you want, that don't digest as well, you really don't want because you know it is going to be uncomfortable after you eat it. Jerry mentions this often. He likes specific foods now that he didn't love so much before surgery. He loves salad and pizza. He never liked pizza much before but now he says it is easy to eat and flavorful. Most foods I've tried have been soft and agree with me. However, a couple of times I made the mistake of trying something I knew I should avoid and it was a mistake. For example, every year we get tomatoes from a friend that should be in the tomato hall of fame because they are so good. Who can resist a tomato sandwich? Jerry convinced me he would fix me a very small portion and I would be fine. Bread should be avoided at this time. I ate two bites of a tomato sandwich on soft, white bread. It was heavenly for about 20 minutes and then it hit me right in the chest. I felt like I had swallowed a softball. I figured if I walked it would pass quickly. For at least an hour I felt a huge lump in my chest. Even after it had digested my esophagus felt irritated. Without the bread tomatoes are fine. It was the bread that made me feel terrible. NO MORE soft bread for me for a long time. One food that's easy to eat now is boiled shrimp. The grocery store sells them already peeled and deveined with cocktail sauce. They are easy to eat and very high in protein. About 3 of them make a good snack. Soft crackers like Ritz have been easy to digest as well. Last night I was creative and spread light laughing cow cheese on three crackers added a shrimp on each and topped with cocktail sauce. It was a tasty snack. Eating only one thing at a time became monotonous. It is easy to get sick of something if you are eating it in isolation. Both Meaghan and I wanted to have more than one item at a meal. We both noticed that soft, cooked vegetables were easy to eat and digest. Truthfully I enjoy cooking some in the summer when I am not working. I began thinking about how to cook small portions and what I could pair together so we could all get enough protein in our diet. All three of us began thinking of previous recipes and searching for new ones that would work for us now. The first meal I cooked came from a Pinterest recipe. Here is a picture of mini lasagna using wonton wrappers instead of noodles. I used my own meat sauce and ricotta mixture recipe, but put it together according to directions on Pinterest. It was delicious, easy to digest and great leftover for lunch today. The fresh green beans were great too. They are easily digested and a great side. The lasagna is high in protein because of the ricotta and meat sauce as well as the italian cheese topping.
I've increased my exercise. Instead of walking outdoors now, I have moved inside to the gym to avoid the heat. I've been able to walk on the treadmill easily for thirty minutes. I don't walk at the pace I did before surgery, but I've tried to increase and decrease my speed throughout the walk. In addition, I swam one evening.
One negative, but also positive issue I have experienced is a drop in my blood pressure. Prior to surgery I took medication and a diuretic for high blood pressure. My blood pressure wasn't as high as some, but high enough to require medication. While in the hospital I was off medication since I was taking in only liquids. During my hospital stay my blood pressure was normal as well as the day of my first visit to the doctor after surgery. However, the medication I was taking was a beta blocker which requires you to be weaned from the medication. The doctor cut my dose in half for a week, then told me to take half every other day for a week before stopping the medication. On a few occasions my blood pressure has dropped causing severe weakness. Once I thought I might faint. Today was my last dose. I understand I might still have symptoms of low blood pressure for a few days until everything levels out to a normal pressure.
Good Foods (easily digested)
oatmeal
fried egg over medium
bacon (only eaten right after it's cooked)
yogurt (yuck-Greek is highest in protein)
sugar free pudding
canned peaches and mandrin oranges in their own juices or with artificial sweetener
baked/broiled talapia
lasagna (stoffers/mini lasagna without noodles)
cooked vegetables (soft)
tuna salad
egg salad
tomatoes (peeled)
grits
refried beans
ground beef in sauce or soups
pasta in soups
most soups
starchy beans
boiled shrimp
grilled cheese
toasted bread
Ritz crackers
baked sweet potato
Bad Foods (not easily digested)
bread (soft)
bacon (reheated)
string cheese
grilled shrimp
scrambled eggs
Cravings
Diet coke
BBQ Potato Chips
Chips and Salsa
To begin I can report weight loss since I have hit a 10 pound goal. As of this morning I have lost 14 lbs. Honestly, I was hoping it was more, but I am impatient. I have lost 5 lbs since last week and I have never lost that quickly before so I am going to try to be patient. When I record what I eat and the small number of calories, I guess in my mind I expect 10 lbs a week. It seems like it has been longer than 2 weeks so I am sure that is why I am anxious for more.
I have learned a lot in a week about the foods I can and cannot tolerate at this time. I've been blessed because I have not gotten sick so far. I've experimented with several different foods and have had very few problems. Some foods are really easy to eat and digest. Once you find those foods, you really want to eat them. Foods you think you want, that don't digest as well, you really don't want because you know it is going to be uncomfortable after you eat it. Jerry mentions this often. He likes specific foods now that he didn't love so much before surgery. He loves salad and pizza. He never liked pizza much before but now he says it is easy to eat and flavorful. Most foods I've tried have been soft and agree with me. However, a couple of times I made the mistake of trying something I knew I should avoid and it was a mistake. For example, every year we get tomatoes from a friend that should be in the tomato hall of fame because they are so good. Who can resist a tomato sandwich? Jerry convinced me he would fix me a very small portion and I would be fine. Bread should be avoided at this time. I ate two bites of a tomato sandwich on soft, white bread. It was heavenly for about 20 minutes and then it hit me right in the chest. I felt like I had swallowed a softball. I figured if I walked it would pass quickly. For at least an hour I felt a huge lump in my chest. Even after it had digested my esophagus felt irritated. Without the bread tomatoes are fine. It was the bread that made me feel terrible. NO MORE soft bread for me for a long time. One food that's easy to eat now is boiled shrimp. The grocery store sells them already peeled and deveined with cocktail sauce. They are easy to eat and very high in protein. About 3 of them make a good snack. Soft crackers like Ritz have been easy to digest as well. Last night I was creative and spread light laughing cow cheese on three crackers added a shrimp on each and topped with cocktail sauce. It was a tasty snack. Eating only one thing at a time became monotonous. It is easy to get sick of something if you are eating it in isolation. Both Meaghan and I wanted to have more than one item at a meal. We both noticed that soft, cooked vegetables were easy to eat and digest. Truthfully I enjoy cooking some in the summer when I am not working. I began thinking about how to cook small portions and what I could pair together so we could all get enough protein in our diet. All three of us began thinking of previous recipes and searching for new ones that would work for us now. The first meal I cooked came from a Pinterest recipe. Here is a picture of mini lasagna using wonton wrappers instead of noodles. I used my own meat sauce and ricotta mixture recipe, but put it together according to directions on Pinterest. It was delicious, easy to digest and great leftover for lunch today. The fresh green beans were great too. They are easily digested and a great side. The lasagna is high in protein because of the ricotta and meat sauce as well as the italian cheese topping.
I've increased my exercise. Instead of walking outdoors now, I have moved inside to the gym to avoid the heat. I've been able to walk on the treadmill easily for thirty minutes. I don't walk at the pace I did before surgery, but I've tried to increase and decrease my speed throughout the walk. In addition, I swam one evening.
One negative, but also positive issue I have experienced is a drop in my blood pressure. Prior to surgery I took medication and a diuretic for high blood pressure. My blood pressure wasn't as high as some, but high enough to require medication. While in the hospital I was off medication since I was taking in only liquids. During my hospital stay my blood pressure was normal as well as the day of my first visit to the doctor after surgery. However, the medication I was taking was a beta blocker which requires you to be weaned from the medication. The doctor cut my dose in half for a week, then told me to take half every other day for a week before stopping the medication. On a few occasions my blood pressure has dropped causing severe weakness. Once I thought I might faint. Today was my last dose. I understand I might still have symptoms of low blood pressure for a few days until everything levels out to a normal pressure.
Good Foods (easily digested)
oatmeal
fried egg over medium
bacon (only eaten right after it's cooked)
yogurt (yuck-Greek is highest in protein)
sugar free pudding
canned peaches and mandrin oranges in their own juices or with artificial sweetener
baked/broiled talapia
lasagna (stoffers/mini lasagna without noodles)
cooked vegetables (soft)
tuna salad
egg salad
tomatoes (peeled)
grits
refried beans
ground beef in sauce or soups
pasta in soups
most soups
starchy beans
boiled shrimp
grilled cheese
toasted bread
Ritz crackers
baked sweet potato
Bad Foods (not easily digested)
bread (soft)
bacon (reheated)
string cheese
grilled shrimp
scrambled eggs
Cravings
Diet coke
BBQ Potato Chips
Chips and Salsa
Monday, June 25, 2012
Finding a new "Normal" one week after surgery
Today I am a week post-op. Things are so much better than they were the first few days. Although it's still difficult I am no longer feeling regrets. Logically I knew they would pass. All the research and talk with others helped me know there would be those moments of regret in the beginning so that alleviated some fear of the future. Recovering for me means getting back to "normal", doing "normal" things. However, in doing that I realize I must find a new "normal" now. I know I want to hold on to some past routines, but many of my new ones have to change to be successful with my path to a healthier lifestyle. Being at home, preparing all my meals here was getting old fast. I wanted to go out to eat with family. My husband has been escaping with my family to feed himself. Even though no one makes me feel left out, I was feeling a little isolated. I decided I wanted to go to a restaurant with my family even if I only had a few slurps of soup. I like eating out, I just have to change my "normal" to choosing less and healthy. Those options are available, I just have to select them. We chose to go to Cheddar's. I checked online menus to see where I could get a soup I was allowed to eat now. I ordered a cup of potato soup and asked them to leave off the bacon but leave the cheese. They informed me bacon was cooked in the soup also. I was leery but it seemed to be my only option. The soup was pretty thick and chunky. I actually ate the gravy around the soup, checking for bits of bacon before swallowing. I would estimate I had about two tablespoons of soup. I still felt hungry (in my mind). I think it was just because the soup really wasn't that good and I wanted to taste something appealing. I am sure you are wondering if it was difficult to see the other foods in the restaurant. The answer is YES, but I must say it was less of a distraction than it was a few days before watching commercials. It's kind of like my mind is seeing the food, knowing I would like it, but quickly jumping to the thought that I can't have it now and moving on. It is a little easier. Later we went to my mother's house. My daughter came over and had a dish of refried beans from Taco Bell. Since I thought I should eat a little more, I ate a couple of tablespoons of beans. They were ok, but then I felt like I was satisfied. It's kind of weird, it is still hard to tell when I am full while I am eating. However there seems to be a built in instinct that says stop, or I just don't want anymore. One of the hardest things right now is slowing down to eat and taking small bites. I'm so used to just eating without thinking and I realize how fast all people eat because now I am forced to eat slowly or I could get sick. I am not one that handles throwing up well, so I will usually do anything to avoid it. I am careful to keep that from happening. I've been ok so far. Right now since I have moved to thicker, creamier soups or pureed type foods, I begin to feel a little anxiety as I am eating. I am scared I will eat too fast or it won't agree with me. Also, it is a chore to remember NOT to drink while eating and waiting the thirty minutes afterwards to take a drink is still a killer. During the thirty minutes I have a little anxiety, thinking "how do I feel?", "can I feel if my pouch is full?" In the beginning while still eating broth or tomato soup without any particles I noticed after eating I felt kind of woozy in the head or I would have a slight headache for a few minutes. Now that I've moved to thicker consistencies, when I am full I notice I feel some pressure in my upper chest. That scares me a little right now. During some of our classes they shared that people have different symptoms that tell them when their pouch is full. Some people hiccup, some breath in a big breath, etc. I guess some of things I've noticed may be my clue to stop. After we left my parents I was determined to go for a walk outdoors instead of taking laps in the house. My husband, daughter and I went to the new park in Columbia County because they have lots of sidewalks and it is very flat. It was dusk and I had hoped there would be less people there. It was still pretty full with families and children. Another thing that makes me uneasy now when I am in a crowd is fear that someone will run into me and hit my stomach. It is still super tender and I am still moving kind of slow. I avoided church Sunday for fear I might get bumped too hard. I know that will pass as I recover fully. The weather was perfect for walking. We ran into friends and had conversation. They were shocked to see I was out, and said I didn't even look like I had just had surgery. That is a good sign I am recovering well. We walked one huge lap and a half. It was good to be outdoors. I went home and wanted something else to eat. I ate a spoonful of yogurt and oatmeal. I think I was just ready to eat and I was extra hungry Saturday.
Yesterday I woke up feeling great. It was the most energy I have had yet. I helped my daughter in her room with some piled up laundry, and several other tasks. I went up and down the stairs to her room about 4 or 5 times. Then I went with her to the home she is currently house sitting and I sat in the sun while she swam in the pool. I enjoyed the sun, but it was hot. I'm still unable to get in the pool because my wounds have not healed completely. Once I got home I was exhausted. I hurt all over. I slept well, but today I am very sore and tired. My husband made white bean soup for me yesterday. There were some whole beans in it. I was careful and tried so smash them some. Dr. Blaney said I could have small particles in soups and pureed food. I added a small dab of sour cream and a little cheddar. I also crumbled a ritz cracker and let it get soggy in the soup. I read somewhere you could have a cracker if it was soggy. The soup was very good, filling and high in protein. I ate it for lunch and dinner. That's the only thing about this way of life, you eat something once and it is great and then you just don't want to think about it again. I even become grossed out thinking about it. After eating it a second time I was grossed out. I felt like I had really eaten a lot, so I recorded all the information in this app my hubby told me about on my phone called Fat Secret. You can record your foods and it will add up calories and proteins. It's a cool app. After all I ate yesterday, I had still eaten less than 500 calories for the day. That's amazing. That is one thing I remember about Jerry's surgery journey. It used to amaze me he could hold his head up eating less than 1000 calories and being such a huge and tall man. I'm still having trouble squeezing in all the liquids and protein. Since I no longer drink while I am eating, that eliminates about three huge glasses of liquids. Your protein drinks cannot count as your liquids and they actually cause dehydration, so you have to drink constantly. The dietician says if you are nauseated, you are dehydrated. Today as I try to up my protein, now my liquids are still full. Right now this part is frustrating and hard. It takes a great deal of effort and concentration on taking in all the nutrients and vitamins. Vitamins are another chore. They are a necessity for your health and you have all these chewable yucky vitamins. I have to take two multi-vitamins, 6 chewy calciums, prylosec (to prevent ulcers for 6 months). In addition I am still taking half a blood pressure pill while I am weaning off the medication and my medication for hypothyroidism. I traded more vitamins for less pills. They all leave a nasty aftertaste too. The other sucky part is that I can never take Nsaid drugs again (advil, motrin, aleve). They can cause ulcers so I have to use tylenol, which basically does nothing for me. I just hope I will have less reason to need any as my weight decreases. Speaking of weight, I've decided to only record my weight loss in 10 lb increments. I was hoping today I would be able to report 10 lbs, I'm close, just not there yet. It has been only a week though.
Today I decided to venture out and try a scrambled egg. I'm really not supposed to do that this week, but in my mind it seems so soft and light. Since I handled the thick beans and soup I thought I would try. I scrambled one egg, added a little butter and cheddar cheese, salt and pepper. I was so careful to eat slowly. I ate about half and then I felt that heavy feeling in my chest. I stopped. I was afraid to eat more. I think I should follow the rules. That will be saved until next week. I am eating a small amount of canned small cut peaches in their own juice. They are very soft and go down easy. They have no protein so they are just something to make it eating more pleasurable.
New "Normals"
1. Think small in terms of portions (now my eyes literally are bigger than my stomach)
2. Think of ways to be active. Instead of sitting to watch TV at night, take a walk, even join in playing some unstructured physical games.
3. Never drink when eating.
4. Make food selections thinking first of protein
5. Check labels for protein and sugar. No more than 15 grams of sugar at a sitting.
6. Eat several small meals a day and don't graze (hard one, the grazing curse hits me and I have to remember, there is nothing to graze on right now)
Minor Aggravations
1. Unable to get in a comfortable position to sleep. Pillows, pillows, pillows, they make it easier. Lying on the left side is difficult. Thats where they do most of the work.
2. Can't just grab a handful of salty snacks. (I miss snacking on chips, crackers, nuts)
3. Gas pain, abnormal digestive problems as everything adjusts
4. Haven't really reached the point of weight loss to notice in my clothes (I know it will come)
5. I miss shopping for clothes while on summer break (It is senseless to buy clothes at this point knowing I have so many that have become too small)
6. No vacation (I miss summer vacations. It's hard to see everyone vacationing having fun and know I won't get that this summer-better ones in store)
7. Drinking fluids constantly, trying to fit in protein drinks and vitamins
8. Waiting for the steri-strips to fall off my incisions. They are constantly caught on your clothing and sting when they are pulled.
Yesterday I woke up feeling great. It was the most energy I have had yet. I helped my daughter in her room with some piled up laundry, and several other tasks. I went up and down the stairs to her room about 4 or 5 times. Then I went with her to the home she is currently house sitting and I sat in the sun while she swam in the pool. I enjoyed the sun, but it was hot. I'm still unable to get in the pool because my wounds have not healed completely. Once I got home I was exhausted. I hurt all over. I slept well, but today I am very sore and tired. My husband made white bean soup for me yesterday. There were some whole beans in it. I was careful and tried so smash them some. Dr. Blaney said I could have small particles in soups and pureed food. I added a small dab of sour cream and a little cheddar. I also crumbled a ritz cracker and let it get soggy in the soup. I read somewhere you could have a cracker if it was soggy. The soup was very good, filling and high in protein. I ate it for lunch and dinner. That's the only thing about this way of life, you eat something once and it is great and then you just don't want to think about it again. I even become grossed out thinking about it. After eating it a second time I was grossed out. I felt like I had really eaten a lot, so I recorded all the information in this app my hubby told me about on my phone called Fat Secret. You can record your foods and it will add up calories and proteins. It's a cool app. After all I ate yesterday, I had still eaten less than 500 calories for the day. That's amazing. That is one thing I remember about Jerry's surgery journey. It used to amaze me he could hold his head up eating less than 1000 calories and being such a huge and tall man. I'm still having trouble squeezing in all the liquids and protein. Since I no longer drink while I am eating, that eliminates about three huge glasses of liquids. Your protein drinks cannot count as your liquids and they actually cause dehydration, so you have to drink constantly. The dietician says if you are nauseated, you are dehydrated. Today as I try to up my protein, now my liquids are still full. Right now this part is frustrating and hard. It takes a great deal of effort and concentration on taking in all the nutrients and vitamins. Vitamins are another chore. They are a necessity for your health and you have all these chewable yucky vitamins. I have to take two multi-vitamins, 6 chewy calciums, prylosec (to prevent ulcers for 6 months). In addition I am still taking half a blood pressure pill while I am weaning off the medication and my medication for hypothyroidism. I traded more vitamins for less pills. They all leave a nasty aftertaste too. The other sucky part is that I can never take Nsaid drugs again (advil, motrin, aleve). They can cause ulcers so I have to use tylenol, which basically does nothing for me. I just hope I will have less reason to need any as my weight decreases. Speaking of weight, I've decided to only record my weight loss in 10 lb increments. I was hoping today I would be able to report 10 lbs, I'm close, just not there yet. It has been only a week though.
Today I decided to venture out and try a scrambled egg. I'm really not supposed to do that this week, but in my mind it seems so soft and light. Since I handled the thick beans and soup I thought I would try. I scrambled one egg, added a little butter and cheddar cheese, salt and pepper. I was so careful to eat slowly. I ate about half and then I felt that heavy feeling in my chest. I stopped. I was afraid to eat more. I think I should follow the rules. That will be saved until next week. I am eating a small amount of canned small cut peaches in their own juice. They are very soft and go down easy. They have no protein so they are just something to make it eating more pleasurable.
New "Normals"
1. Think small in terms of portions (now my eyes literally are bigger than my stomach)
2. Think of ways to be active. Instead of sitting to watch TV at night, take a walk, even join in playing some unstructured physical games.
3. Never drink when eating.
4. Make food selections thinking first of protein
5. Check labels for protein and sugar. No more than 15 grams of sugar at a sitting.
6. Eat several small meals a day and don't graze (hard one, the grazing curse hits me and I have to remember, there is nothing to graze on right now)
Minor Aggravations
1. Unable to get in a comfortable position to sleep. Pillows, pillows, pillows, they make it easier. Lying on the left side is difficult. Thats where they do most of the work.
2. Can't just grab a handful of salty snacks. (I miss snacking on chips, crackers, nuts)
3. Gas pain, abnormal digestive problems as everything adjusts
4. Haven't really reached the point of weight loss to notice in my clothes (I know it will come)
5. I miss shopping for clothes while on summer break (It is senseless to buy clothes at this point knowing I have so many that have become too small)
6. No vacation (I miss summer vacations. It's hard to see everyone vacationing having fun and know I won't get that this summer-better ones in store)
7. Drinking fluids constantly, trying to fit in protein drinks and vitamins
8. Waiting for the steri-strips to fall off my incisions. They are constantly caught on your clothing and sting when they are pulled.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Reflections
I already realize how much food is a part of my life. I know God is teaching me that food isn't my lifeline, though I need it. I believe he wants me to understand that I allow food to be too many things to me. I love to eat when I am with others. It is a way to socialize with people. I like to celebrate with food. Although I believe I have a lot of discipline in other areas of my life, I hate to make eating and thinking about what I eat an area I have to control. At the end of a hard day, I like to eat a big dinner. It relaxes me and makes me think of pleasant things like the taste, how good it feels to be full. Taste is pleasurable. It is hard for me to fathom the thoughts of those that say they eat to live. I realize I live to eat. Honestly, deep down I don't want to give that up. It is a grieving process of a sort. Logically I tell myself these things, but my mind makes it much more complicated. As much as I love eating, I also hate when I feel I think about food continually. I joke about it a lot and say I am thinking of the next meal while I am eating my current meal. I think I joke about being fat and eating a lot probably to mask the problem I don't really like that food is too important to me. Why I have chosen food to comfort me I am unsure. Maybe it's because it's easy. I was never allowed to drink, do drugs, smoke, etc. Maybe this was an easy and acceptable choice. It's something I can share with my husband and daughter. We all love food. We love to watch cooking shows, bake and cook new recipes, etc. It's not fun to put restrictions on your recreation.
As I continue this journey, I want to conquer the negative thoughts and consequences overeating brings to my life. I want to grow spiritually with God and learn what he has to show me through this time. I thought and prayed about the surgery, asking myself why God would allow or want me to do this. I believe he wants to use it to get rid of the things that hold me back, to help me face fears and realize that in every fearful situation I don't have to panic, worry, stress, but I really can depend on him to take care of me. Fear of the unknown has damaged me for too long. I want to be able to face every situation with confidence that God is my safety and I don't have to be panicked, worried or stressed.
As I continue this journey, I want to conquer the negative thoughts and consequences overeating brings to my life. I want to grow spiritually with God and learn what he has to show me through this time. I thought and prayed about the surgery, asking myself why God would allow or want me to do this. I believe he wants to use it to get rid of the things that hold me back, to help me face fears and realize that in every fearful situation I don't have to panic, worry, stress, but I really can depend on him to take care of me. Fear of the unknown has damaged me for too long. I want to be able to face every situation with confidence that God is my safety and I don't have to be panicked, worried or stressed.
Post-Op Day 5
Today is the first day I have really felt like posting anything. The surgery went well as far as I know. Several days before the surgery I was anxious. I am usually anxious just thinking about being put to sleep and having surgery. However, doing it voluntarily as an elective surgery just made it more scary. I had many thoughts, like what if I become disabled from surgery and right now I am healthy, what if all the bad stuff that has happened to others happens to me? I hated those thoughts, but I kept telling myself, it is a risk, but so is being overweight. It was a risk, and as I see it now, it continues to be a risk. I talked to several people before the surgery, went through all the classes, have family members in my home who have had the surgery, but all that still doesn't take away the fear of the unknown as well as the feelings you have after the surgery.
Monday morning after waking from the surgery, I was in severe pain. I remember groaning "I hurt". However, not long afterwards I was in my room with a morphine pump for pain as well as other IV fluids. Most of that day was blurry because I was sleeping most of the day. I remember trying to get comfortable with the incisions in my abdomen. I had dreaded this day because I knew I would have nothing by mouth, that includes even water or an ice chip until the following morning. I was in my room by 10:30 a.m so I knew for 24 hours despite my dry mouth I couldn't have a thing. I must say, knowing this ahead of time was one of my biggest fears. I couldn't imagine going that long without even a gulp of water. This is to make sure you have a little time to heal before they check your new bypass for leaks. Actually it didn't end up being as bad as I had expected. They gave me some sponge swabs. I could wet them and spit. I was also able to have ice water that I could swish in my mouth and spit out. That really got me thorough. Someone was visiting me and I was feeling very drugged and I swished and swallowed. I totally freaked out, told the nurse. She told me not to worry, but I had to think before I put the water in my mouth. One of the requirements of this surgery is to get up and walk as soon as the pain medication begins to wear off. Walking with an IV pole and a catheter isn't easy. They have a path at the hospital, with a white board and your room number on the board. You have to walk 30 laps on their path, which is down two short halls before you leave. It isn't as easy as it sounds, but gives you something to do when you feel uncomfortable and miserable. Throughout the day as I was awake I thought I don't feel that horrible.
Tuesday was different. I got up, brushed my teeth because on top of no liquids, they have also shoved blue dye down your throat during surgery. I actually had a blue tongue days after I came home and they left a nice little blue streak in my hair. I was able to get it out, thank goodness. I washed my face and decided to walk before I was called down for the barium swallow. To think my first liquid to swallow would be barium just made me feel sick. I walked and then got back in bed and was hurting so I pushed the morphine pump. The morphine had already made me feel nauseated throughout the night so I had also had phenegren (sp). Once I pushed the morphine pump within a few minutes I was so nauseated. About that time, they came in to take me down for the barium swallow. I had a cold rag with me, but I was terrified of throwing up. The swallow was gross, I felt so sick. I made it and didn't throw up.
Wednesday I went home. Tuesday night was terrible. I felt horrible, couldn't get comfortable, was sick of dragging the IV pole (the cath was gone now, but still had IV in my hand). I thought I was going to lose my mind before I was released Wednesday. I was so uncomfortable, hadn't had a shower and just wanted to be home. I was really anxious. When I got home I immediately took a shower and took pain medication and went to bed. Getting comfortable at home was also hard, but being in my bed helped. I slept a lot that day and all night. I was up and down. The pain medication made me feel horrible. I felt nauseated and had a massive headache. Once I got up I moved to the recliner, but all I could do is feel drowsy. I was tired of sleeping, but couldn't wake up. I finally went on my back porch and drank a half- cup of coffee (with caffeine). I know I wasn't supposed to have caffeine, but I needed something to make me feel better. I sat on the porch, felt regret about having the surgery. I felt miserable. The longer I sat outside, I was able to wake up and begin to feel a little better. Eventually I had things like broth, jello, Popsicle, but mostly I craved water. I tried unsweetened tea with sweet-n-low, which I normally love, but it tasted terrible. Throughout the day I face booked, talked on the phone with a friend that is almost a year post op, texted friends, and I walked laps in my house. I was beginning to feel a little human again.
Each day since then I have begun to show improvement. Friday I went to the doctor to have the drain tube removed. Not every doctor uses them, but mine does. It is the most disgusting thing ever. It bled on my clothing, it was in the way and just looking at the blood in the bulb made me feel sick. When it filled with blood I had to squeeze it out in the toilet. It is soooo gross, especially when you have the overall feeling of nausea. I hadn't really lost any weight at the doctor. They say at first you may even show a weight gain because of all the fluids they pump in you while in the hospital. I wasn't really discouraged by that because right now I can't really think about weight and being skinny. I just want to feel better. My doctor oked me to begin cream soups or pureed foods. That made me happy. I had runny oatmeal, tomato soup and then and pureed dumplings with broth for dinner. I had pressure in my chest throughout the night. I haven't taken in that much is days. By the way, I only had about two tablespoons of all of those things. I can't judge yet the full feeling. It is hard for me to tell while I am eating, but a little while afterwards I sometimes I feel pressure in my throat chest area. Oh one new big change is that you cannot drink anything while you eat or for thirty minutes afterwards. Oh My God, that is the longest thirty minutes ever. I always drink at least two glasses with my meal and then more afterwards. The doctor said I had to do the protein drinks. A high protein diet is a must. Without the protein, you cannot heal and in a few months your hair will begin to fall out. Even with the threat of losing my hair, which I thought I can drink poison to prevent, I am having a hard time. I've tried them and hate them, but I made one and kept it in the fridge and would pour about an ounce at a time and sip it. I was able to drink more of it yesterday. The only drink I want right now is water. I am supposed to drink 64 ounces of water (not easy). Today I tried instant grits. They were nasty, but I had a couple of tablespoons. I stopped the pain meds and started liquid tylenol which also taste horrible. So last night I took a half of valium to sleep. I have it for vertigo and thought maybe I could rest if I took it. I was able to sleep a little better, but am having crazy dreams. This surgery is difficult both physically and emotionally. Even though I am not hungry, I still desire all my favorite foods. Watching TV and seeing food commercials are torture. All I can think about is when I can eat my favorite foods again. I am constantly on the internet reading blogs, websites, you name it. It is hard to mend when you can't take in food. To me food is always healing when I am physically ill. Changing my thinking is hard.
Monday morning after waking from the surgery, I was in severe pain. I remember groaning "I hurt". However, not long afterwards I was in my room with a morphine pump for pain as well as other IV fluids. Most of that day was blurry because I was sleeping most of the day. I remember trying to get comfortable with the incisions in my abdomen. I had dreaded this day because I knew I would have nothing by mouth, that includes even water or an ice chip until the following morning. I was in my room by 10:30 a.m so I knew for 24 hours despite my dry mouth I couldn't have a thing. I must say, knowing this ahead of time was one of my biggest fears. I couldn't imagine going that long without even a gulp of water. This is to make sure you have a little time to heal before they check your new bypass for leaks. Actually it didn't end up being as bad as I had expected. They gave me some sponge swabs. I could wet them and spit. I was also able to have ice water that I could swish in my mouth and spit out. That really got me thorough. Someone was visiting me and I was feeling very drugged and I swished and swallowed. I totally freaked out, told the nurse. She told me not to worry, but I had to think before I put the water in my mouth. One of the requirements of this surgery is to get up and walk as soon as the pain medication begins to wear off. Walking with an IV pole and a catheter isn't easy. They have a path at the hospital, with a white board and your room number on the board. You have to walk 30 laps on their path, which is down two short halls before you leave. It isn't as easy as it sounds, but gives you something to do when you feel uncomfortable and miserable. Throughout the day as I was awake I thought I don't feel that horrible.
Tuesday was different. I got up, brushed my teeth because on top of no liquids, they have also shoved blue dye down your throat during surgery. I actually had a blue tongue days after I came home and they left a nice little blue streak in my hair. I was able to get it out, thank goodness. I washed my face and decided to walk before I was called down for the barium swallow. To think my first liquid to swallow would be barium just made me feel sick. I walked and then got back in bed and was hurting so I pushed the morphine pump. The morphine had already made me feel nauseated throughout the night so I had also had phenegren (sp). Once I pushed the morphine pump within a few minutes I was so nauseated. About that time, they came in to take me down for the barium swallow. I had a cold rag with me, but I was terrified of throwing up. The swallow was gross, I felt so sick. I made it and didn't throw up.
Wednesday I went home. Tuesday night was terrible. I felt horrible, couldn't get comfortable, was sick of dragging the IV pole (the cath was gone now, but still had IV in my hand). I thought I was going to lose my mind before I was released Wednesday. I was so uncomfortable, hadn't had a shower and just wanted to be home. I was really anxious. When I got home I immediately took a shower and took pain medication and went to bed. Getting comfortable at home was also hard, but being in my bed helped. I slept a lot that day and all night. I was up and down. The pain medication made me feel horrible. I felt nauseated and had a massive headache. Once I got up I moved to the recliner, but all I could do is feel drowsy. I was tired of sleeping, but couldn't wake up. I finally went on my back porch and drank a half- cup of coffee (with caffeine). I know I wasn't supposed to have caffeine, but I needed something to make me feel better. I sat on the porch, felt regret about having the surgery. I felt miserable. The longer I sat outside, I was able to wake up and begin to feel a little better. Eventually I had things like broth, jello, Popsicle, but mostly I craved water. I tried unsweetened tea with sweet-n-low, which I normally love, but it tasted terrible. Throughout the day I face booked, talked on the phone with a friend that is almost a year post op, texted friends, and I walked laps in my house. I was beginning to feel a little human again.
Each day since then I have begun to show improvement. Friday I went to the doctor to have the drain tube removed. Not every doctor uses them, but mine does. It is the most disgusting thing ever. It bled on my clothing, it was in the way and just looking at the blood in the bulb made me feel sick. When it filled with blood I had to squeeze it out in the toilet. It is soooo gross, especially when you have the overall feeling of nausea. I hadn't really lost any weight at the doctor. They say at first you may even show a weight gain because of all the fluids they pump in you while in the hospital. I wasn't really discouraged by that because right now I can't really think about weight and being skinny. I just want to feel better. My doctor oked me to begin cream soups or pureed foods. That made me happy. I had runny oatmeal, tomato soup and then and pureed dumplings with broth for dinner. I had pressure in my chest throughout the night. I haven't taken in that much is days. By the way, I only had about two tablespoons of all of those things. I can't judge yet the full feeling. It is hard for me to tell while I am eating, but a little while afterwards I sometimes I feel pressure in my throat chest area. Oh one new big change is that you cannot drink anything while you eat or for thirty minutes afterwards. Oh My God, that is the longest thirty minutes ever. I always drink at least two glasses with my meal and then more afterwards. The doctor said I had to do the protein drinks. A high protein diet is a must. Without the protein, you cannot heal and in a few months your hair will begin to fall out. Even with the threat of losing my hair, which I thought I can drink poison to prevent, I am having a hard time. I've tried them and hate them, but I made one and kept it in the fridge and would pour about an ounce at a time and sip it. I was able to drink more of it yesterday. The only drink I want right now is water. I am supposed to drink 64 ounces of water (not easy). Today I tried instant grits. They were nasty, but I had a couple of tablespoons. I stopped the pain meds and started liquid tylenol which also taste horrible. So last night I took a half of valium to sleep. I have it for vertigo and thought maybe I could rest if I took it. I was able to sleep a little better, but am having crazy dreams. This surgery is difficult both physically and emotionally. Even though I am not hungry, I still desire all my favorite foods. Watching TV and seeing food commercials are torture. All I can think about is when I can eat my favorite foods again. I am constantly on the internet reading blogs, websites, you name it. It is hard to mend when you can't take in food. To me food is always healing when I am physically ill. Changing my thinking is hard.
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