Reflections

I already realize how much food is a part of my life. I know God is teaching me that food isn't my lifeline, though I need it. I believe he wants me to understand that I allow food to be too many things to me. I love to eat when I am with others. It is a way to socialize with people. I like to celebrate with food. Although I believe I have a lot of discipline in other areas of my life, I hate to make eating and thinking about what I eat an area I have to control. At the end of a hard day, I like to eat a big dinner. It relaxes me and makes me think of pleasant things like the taste, how good it feels to be full. Taste is pleasurable. It is hard for me to fathom the thoughts of those that say they eat to live. I realize I live to eat. Honestly, deep down I don't want to give that up. It is a grieving process of a sort. Logically I tell myself these things, but my mind makes it much more complicated. As much as I love eating, I also hate when I feel I think about food continually. I joke about it a lot and say I am thinking of the next meal while I am eating my current meal. I think I joke about being fat and eating a lot probably to mask the problem I don't really like that food is too important to me. Why I have chosen food to comfort me I am unsure. Maybe it's because it's easy. I was never allowed to drink, do drugs, smoke, etc. Maybe this was an easy and acceptable choice. It's something I can share with my husband and daughter. We all love food. We love to watch cooking shows, bake and cook new recipes, etc. It's not fun to put restrictions on your recreation.

As I continue this journey, I want to conquer the negative thoughts and consequences overeating brings to my life. I want to grow spiritually with God and learn what he has to show me through this time. I thought and prayed about the surgery, asking myself why God would allow or want me to do this. I believe he wants to use it to get rid of the things that hold me back, to help me face fears and realize that in every fearful situation I don't have to panic, worry, stress, but I really can depend on him to take care of me. Fear of the unknown has damaged me for too long. I want to be able to face every situation with confidence that God is my safety and I don't have to be panicked, worried or stressed.