I have bypassed my one year anniversary since my weight loss surgery and I've lost 80 pounds. I had hoped to reach a 100 pound loss at this point, but I am happy with the results despite not reaching my goal as quickly as I had anticipated. Before the summer I had begun to drastically slow down on the weight loss. However, after a month vacation with no car in NYC I was able to lose 10 pounds. Right before vacation I had my annual physical with my physician. I no longer have high blood pressure, no longer have high cholesterol and all my vitamin levels are good. I feel great!
For the past year I have consistently maintained exercise. I haven't always done as much as I want or should, but nevertheless, I have kept it up. It was so helpful for a month of constant walking in NYC. I would not have been able to enjoy such a vacation a year earlier with 80 extra pounds and a lot less muscle. I was amazed that although I was tired from the daily walking, I never remember having aching feet like I would have before. I had so much stamina compared to before my surgery. I've also surprised myself at the gym because I am able to run a little on the treadmill.
It seems I am just now beginning to feel like I have lost a significant amount. For me these last 10 lbs have helped me begin to feel like a normal sized person. Before that I felt little differences mentally. Even though I had noticed the physical changes, mentally I still felt huge. Even now, I am surprised sometimes when I see myself in pictures. My face seems so thin, but I don't notice it as much in the mirror. When I visited my doctor she told me losing the rest would be a struggle and require effort. My goal had been to change my diet when I returned from vacation, but it hasn't been easy after eating everything I wanted while on vacation. I'm giving myself a little slack right now since starting the school year makes it hard to concentrate on dieting. I haven't developed a good routine for eating and exercising yet.
I am somewhat ashamed and surprised by some of the emotions I feel since losing weight. I never expected to look at overweight people in a different light, but I find myself seeing people that are overweight differently now. I can't really explain the feelings, but one thing that I have recognized is how easily I notice people that are overweight or that have gained weight. Part of me feels bad for them, then I catch myself fearing weight gain again. I have a hard time judging people and their sizes now. Sometimes people seem larger than they are to me while others seem smaller than their true sizes. I think my mind hasn't adapted yet to my own changes so its difficult for me to notice the reality of others while trying to compare myself to them. It's strange because part of me feels like the positive changes are temporary and I will go back to my old self eventually. I don't like those feelings but want to keep them in the back of my mind so that I don't return to that person again. I fear it because I still have the same cravings and desires to eat what I want. I still want to eat a lot even when I can't hold it. Sometimes I can eat much more than I thought was possible and that also scares me. I still think about food in the same way I did before and I still want to eat to relieve stress. I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with less food and if I will ever have the thoughts of eating to live instead of living to eat.
My biggest challenge so far is ahead of me; losing the last 20 pounds. After that an even bigger challenge will be keeping it off. I am going to do my best to stay the course and finish this task. I'm speaking in faith saying its going to happen, but I know it's going to be a challenge.
Cindy Pafford
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Committed to Win the Battle
I'm nearing my year anniversary of my surgery and still worry that I may not reach my goal. I continue to worry a little that I will not hit that 100 pound goal. Even my surgeon and the nutritionist seem surprised that I have lost slowly. They always tell me to exercise more and cut down on carbs. I have come to the realization that I truly was not fooling myself when I would try to lose weight before surgery and it would creep off even when I was doing all the right things. I have looked back over my weight loss records and I am actually not losing much differently than I did in the beginning. I have moved along at a snails pace all along but haven't ever plateaued for long like some do. I'm ok with that as long as I lose it all. I realize though that I have got to do the right things to get there, especially now as I am on the last half of the journey.
There have been misconceptions on my part about what I thought would happen for me after surgery. Although I was informed in every class, meeting, etc that this wouldn't be an automatic cure for overeating and weight gain, in my mind I thought losing would be easy. My thoughts were, I am a big portion eater, my portions will be cut so how can I not drop weight quickly? It's amazing how God made our bodies so perfectly to adapt to our situations. I find that now since I can't eat large portions, I want to snack, eat more frequently and I crave the things I shouldn't have. I have never been a huge sweet lover, but just loved food and lots of it. Lately I want sweets, chips, rice and pasta. All of those things are easy to digest and I can hold more. My mind and body have found ways for me to eat "more".
I am proud of myself for the things I have done "right". I weigh daily and though many say that's a bad thing, for me it keeps me focused on what I still need to accomplish. I have also continued to exercise consistently even though sometimes I am "inconsistent", ha ha. There are weeks I don't make it to the gym, or don't walk in the neighborhood because of my busy and exhausting work schedule, but I have been good about jumping right back in and starting back as soon as I can squeeze it back in my schedule. While on vacation during spring break, I forced my husband to go for a long walk one evening. I also went for a long walk on the beach one day. One day after we ate a hamburger and fries I insisted we walk the downtown area to sightsee so we could work off the food we ate. In the past I would have wanted to figure out how to drive to see everything. It is amazing how invigorating a walk can be now because I don't feel I am dragging a big weight behind me. Although I don't love exercising, I don't mind exercising with a purpose, like sightseeing or beach exploration. I still hate going to the gym or walking in the neighborhood. It isn't so bad once I begin and I always feel better afterwards but it is still a chore to just do it. Because I feel better as a result of exercise, I want to keep it up forever.
One of the greatest joys and also biggest vices about weight loss is the thrill of shopping now. I've always loved clothes and fashion, even as a plus sized woman. As I transitioned from summer to fall, to winter while losing weight, I gradually moved out of clothes while buying new clothes. As soon as spring arrived, I realized I have nothing I can wear from last season. It's hard, especially if you are the type that likes clothes. I have no base like shorts to bum around the house, or T-shirts to throw on to go for a walk or the tanning bed, etc. I have had to buy everything from camisoles to bras and panties. You forget how you accumulate things you don't think much about when you have old stuff you hold on to over the years. I even had to buy a swimsuit for our vacation even though I knew I would probably only wear it once or twice at the beach since it was still cool. I had nothing from my old stash I could get by with for a few hours. Shopping becomes addictive especially now that I have the option of almost any store since I am in normal sizes. When I go to a store and pick up an arm load of clothes, go in the dressing room and they all fit and look so cute I really want to go crazy. I want to shop all the time. This could potentially be dangerous. I need lots of money!
With weight loss there are those reminders of what I have done to my body by allowing myself to gain so much weight. Before weight loss I felt more comfortable wearing sleeveless shirts than I do now. At least my arms were full. Now I have what I call bat wings and the flab is more evident. I still have this stomach hangover of skin that prevents me from wearing certain pants or dresses because it shows even when I put on spanx. The flab in my stomach still keeps me in larger sized pants even though my legs and behind could fit in smaller sizes. I need all the lifts available because everything that drooped before has completely fallen now.
I am fighting this battle and I want to win. The last part of the journey is the hardest, but I want to remain committed to a better, healthier lifestyle. If you are reading this blog, remember to pray for me as I try to remain committed to being what I was created to be, a healthy woman that can accomplish what God has intended for me to do for him.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Second Half of the Journey
I am now six months out since surgery and am doing well. I've lost 57 lbs and am feeling great. It's the little things that pleasantly surprise me like crossing my legs comfortably, sitting Indian style without losing the feeling in my legs, not feeling the seat belt pinching me and not feeling out of breath after taking a brisk walk. Recently we had to take an unexpected long car trip. We took my car, which is small, with three passengers and all our luggage. I was surprised how much easier it is to travel when you weigh less. I was able to move around and change positions so I didn't get stiff and achy. Of course, heated seats are also a great invention. There are still the constant reminders of the pounds left behind too. I still have to wear long enough shirts, sweaters and jackets to cover my tummy because of the flab. I get a view of the sag all over each morning and evening as I'm dressing. I still have to search to find the right fit because now as my behind and legs are slimmer I still have a lot left in the middle so finding the right pant isn't always easy. Most of my shoes are now too large. I have had to buy inserts and shoe liners to keep from losing my shoes when I walk. Sometimes when I touch my shoulders I feel my shoulder bones, which is weird. Sometimes I feel skinny until I put on clothes that are too tight and then I realize just how far from skinny I really am.
Mentally I still think like a fat person most of the time. I still love food, think about it hours before its time to eat, love to watch cooking shows and looking at food pictures and recipes. Even though I know I will not be able to eat much, I still want the experience to be delightful. My husband says food isn't that important any more, but I haven't felt that way. In some ways it's more important because if I'm only able to hold a few bites, I want them to be delicious. When I'm sick I also still think like the old me. I always feel like food will make me feel better even though the last time I ate I felt nauseated.
My hair has stopped thinning. Lucky for me I have thick hair so it really wasn't noticeable. Taking vitamins continues to be a challenge. Sometimes it's just hard to remember. Until a few weeks ago I was doing well exercising. During the holidays I didn't make it much to the gym or outdoors for a walk. I'm not stressing much about it as long as I'm doing what I need to be healthy. It's not something I hate as much anymore. It's so much easier to exercise now. However I know I'm not going to be a boot camp exerciser or a runner. I hate both of those.
I am on the second half of my journey and look forward to reaching and maintaining my goal of 100lb weight loss and a size 10.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
The Journey Continues
It's been four and a half months now and I have lost 45 pounds. I feel a little disappointed that I am losing the weight at such a slow rate. As long as I lose it all I will be ok with the pace, but I worry deep down sometimes that I may not lose the full 100 lbs. Overall though, everything is good for me. I feel good and it's nice to be able to fit in smaller clothes and feel lighter. I struggle with exercising consistently and as often as I would like. I know we do what we want and that's why I struggle because let's face it, who really wants to take time out of their busy day to exercise? I've done ok, usually exercising anywhere from two to four days a week. However I have begun to feel like I need to do more than walk the neighborhood or the treadmill. Last week a couple of teachers from my school talked me into going to boot camp. I was apprehensive since I know I am not ready for that level of exercise, but I went anyway. I was actually feeling light until I began boot camp. It only took about five minutes for my legs and body to feel as heavy as lead. I couldn't do a lot of the exercises but I tried. I must have worked some muscles since my legs and back hurt so bad for two days I could hardly go from a sitting to standing position without excruciating pain. It's hard to believe I used to be athletic and coordinated because you wouldn't know it now. It's depressing how we lose our coordination as we age. My head still thinks I can move like I used to, but my body does not cooperate.
Lately eating is easier and I seem to be able to eat more at times. It's nice to enjoy food again, but at the same time that's a little scary too. Last week when Halloween candy was being hoisted on my desk as gifts it was hard not to pick up the candy and eat it without thinking like I did pre-surgery. I managed to eat only one fun size candy bar so I guess I did ok. Since I don't crave sweets very often it wasn't as difficult to avoid as carbs are for me. I crave potato chips or anything in that family. I constantly want salty, crunchy snacks. I try to eat the 100 calorie snack pack of peanuts or almonds for protein but I prefer chips and Cheetos and any other type of chip. I also crave French fries, but try to avoid them. Jerry cooks good meals, but they probably aren't the best for a high protein diet. Part of the reason eating meat as protein is a good thing is because it fills you up quicker. However eating casseroles and pasta are easier and more tasty. I think I need to keep a food journal again so I can see how many calories and nutrients I am taking in daily. I've stopped doing that and know I need to begin again. I think it's especially important now because I've noticed I want to eat like before. I think about eating and snacking even when I am not really hungry.
My hair has started falling out and that freaks me out. I knew it would happen and I just hope that my normally thick head of hair will sustain me through the shedding phase without looking bad. I colored my hair brown instead of highlighting it to keep it healthy and away from bleach. It's much more difficult for me to style as well since my thinner hair doesn't take product as well as thicker hair. It could be I don't know which products to use right now. Hopefully this won't last long. I feel like my bathroom has become home to cousin "IT".
One of the most difficult things to remember is taking my vitamins. It's hard to remember throughout the day, and sometimes I don't remember or only take part of what I need. They don't always agree with my digestive system either. I know I have to take them forever which is a chore to me. I try to tell myself it's no different than a daily medication.
Since I've been so open about my surgery most people look and say they notice the weight loss. In the last couple of weeks people who don't see me often or that are not on fb have started to notice. I was in the elevator a couple of weeks ago at the board office with someone from the dept where I worked before. She commented and told me I looked good and she liked my brown hair. Then she said, "does that haircut make you look skinnier"? A couple of people have had difficulty recognizing me and tell me I look different. I've just commented and said "I changed my hair color". Last Sunday at church a lady I only know to say hello, asked if I had lost weight. She said I looked great and that even her husband had commented about my weight loss.
I've finally reached the point where the first number on the scale begins with a 1. Woo hoo! That was/is probably the biggest milestone I had hoped to reach. I can't remember how long it's been since I saw that number first on the scale. I know it's been more than 12 years. I've also started shopping in the regular sizes. I'm still at the upper range, but even so, I made it there. I never imagined shopping would be hard for me, but now I am in a territory I haven't experienced in a decade or more. It's hard for me to know what to try on, what style I even like now. I knew how to shop in the plus sizes, but my style there depended on what options were available and what fit so that I covered and hid what I could and still looked stylish. I'm currently in an awkward stage with clothes and have only shopped in limited stores. I'm trying to keep the cost down knowing they shouldn't last long at my current size. Recently I began thinking about some of the stores I might be able to frequent soon. I want to lose a little more before I venture to all the shops I have bypassed for years only to find the places that sold large sizes.
The journey continues and I am anxious to get to the the final destination. I am impatient and want to already be a size 10. I think it is harder now than before because I feel the urge to eat again. I get hungry and still have "mental hunger" too. I find myself thinking of food too often and know that the thought patterns that got me to my highest weight are not gone. It seems that even when I can't eat another bite and I feel sick, as soon as it passes, I want to eat again. I love food and don't know if that will ever pass. My husband tells me food just isn't as important any longer, but I have yet to feel that way. Even when food wasn't good, I still wanted it to be good and I still thought about what I might eat that would taste good. I pray I find a balance with my desire to eat and my eating habits.
Lately eating is easier and I seem to be able to eat more at times. It's nice to enjoy food again, but at the same time that's a little scary too. Last week when Halloween candy was being hoisted on my desk as gifts it was hard not to pick up the candy and eat it without thinking like I did pre-surgery. I managed to eat only one fun size candy bar so I guess I did ok. Since I don't crave sweets very often it wasn't as difficult to avoid as carbs are for me. I crave potato chips or anything in that family. I constantly want salty, crunchy snacks. I try to eat the 100 calorie snack pack of peanuts or almonds for protein but I prefer chips and Cheetos and any other type of chip. I also crave French fries, but try to avoid them. Jerry cooks good meals, but they probably aren't the best for a high protein diet. Part of the reason eating meat as protein is a good thing is because it fills you up quicker. However eating casseroles and pasta are easier and more tasty. I think I need to keep a food journal again so I can see how many calories and nutrients I am taking in daily. I've stopped doing that and know I need to begin again. I think it's especially important now because I've noticed I want to eat like before. I think about eating and snacking even when I am not really hungry.
My hair has started falling out and that freaks me out. I knew it would happen and I just hope that my normally thick head of hair will sustain me through the shedding phase without looking bad. I colored my hair brown instead of highlighting it to keep it healthy and away from bleach. It's much more difficult for me to style as well since my thinner hair doesn't take product as well as thicker hair. It could be I don't know which products to use right now. Hopefully this won't last long. I feel like my bathroom has become home to cousin "IT".
One of the most difficult things to remember is taking my vitamins. It's hard to remember throughout the day, and sometimes I don't remember or only take part of what I need. They don't always agree with my digestive system either. I know I have to take them forever which is a chore to me. I try to tell myself it's no different than a daily medication.
Since I've been so open about my surgery most people look and say they notice the weight loss. In the last couple of weeks people who don't see me often or that are not on fb have started to notice. I was in the elevator a couple of weeks ago at the board office with someone from the dept where I worked before. She commented and told me I looked good and she liked my brown hair. Then she said, "does that haircut make you look skinnier"? A couple of people have had difficulty recognizing me and tell me I look different. I've just commented and said "I changed my hair color". Last Sunday at church a lady I only know to say hello, asked if I had lost weight. She said I looked great and that even her husband had commented about my weight loss.
I've finally reached the point where the first number on the scale begins with a 1. Woo hoo! That was/is probably the biggest milestone I had hoped to reach. I can't remember how long it's been since I saw that number first on the scale. I know it's been more than 12 years. I've also started shopping in the regular sizes. I'm still at the upper range, but even so, I made it there. I never imagined shopping would be hard for me, but now I am in a territory I haven't experienced in a decade or more. It's hard for me to know what to try on, what style I even like now. I knew how to shop in the plus sizes, but my style there depended on what options were available and what fit so that I covered and hid what I could and still looked stylish. I'm currently in an awkward stage with clothes and have only shopped in limited stores. I'm trying to keep the cost down knowing they shouldn't last long at my current size. Recently I began thinking about some of the stores I might be able to frequent soon. I want to lose a little more before I venture to all the shops I have bypassed for years only to find the places that sold large sizes.
The journey continues and I am anxious to get to the the final destination. I am impatient and want to already be a size 10. I think it is harder now than before because I feel the urge to eat again. I get hungry and still have "mental hunger" too. I find myself thinking of food too often and know that the thought patterns that got me to my highest weight are not gone. It seems that even when I can't eat another bite and I feel sick, as soon as it passes, I want to eat again. I love food and don't know if that will ever pass. My husband tells me food just isn't as important any longer, but I have yet to feel that way. Even when food wasn't good, I still wanted it to be good and I still thought about what I might eat that would taste good. I pray I find a balance with my desire to eat and my eating habits.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Successes Are Worth the Challenges
Life has become a blur again since I have started back to work so blogging has taken a back seat. I'm nearly 12 weeks post-op and doing well. Doing well is not without challenges and many lessons to be learned to prevent doing stupid things repeatedly. It's hard to believe experiencing pain and sickness doesn't prevent you from repeating the same mistakes. As time progresses, food begins to have a different meaning in my life. I am no longer addicted to Mexican food as I was before. I still like it but no longer crave it. Foods I used to love and crave make me sick thinking about them at times. Watching cooking shows where they prepare heavy, large portion dishes are repulsive at times. I guess that is a good thing, but I do miss the enjoyment of eating as much as I want without that sudden feeling that says stop. I don't feel as frustrated with it as I did earlier, but I can't say I have enjoyed eating even one time like I did before my surgery. I guess people who have other addictions probably miss those when they quit as well. Changing bad habits is hard even when you are somewhat forced to change. Making the same mistakes over and over is proof to me I am fighting the change. One mistake has been eating chicken prepared certain ways that I once loved, now cause me pain and sickness, even throwing up at times. I hope I have learned that lesson now. Another mistake, made even last night was thinking I could eat more later since I was not able to eat all I wanted at a meal. We ate Japanese food last night and I wanted more than I could hold so I brought home leftovers. As soon as I got home I felt like I could eat a little more and began to eat the leftovers. When will I learn? I was in terrible pain. The food was stuck. I felt nauseated, but I couldn't throw up. I paced the floor, hurt and even thought at one point I was going to pass out. The room was spinning. Jerry just kept saying "I told you so". I told him the next time I started to do something that stupid he needed to knock me out. I never want to experience that again. It lasted at least an hour.
Challenges are to be expected, but challenges also bring successes. I've now lost 34lbs and am feeling "light". Ha ha, I am almost the same weight as my 6ft 4in tall hubby. In the past being fat wasn't so bad because Jerry was always fat with me and at least a 100 lbs heavier than me. After his surgery he weighed a lot less than me which was depressing since he is more than a foot taller than I am. Now I am 3lbs heavier than him and hopefully getting below his weight will be a quick success. People are beginning to notice my weight loss and that's exciting. It's funny some people ( only those not on FB) still don't know I had surgery. Last week I was at another school doing a walk through and someone I knew from the past saw me and kept saying "you look so good" and just kept looking at me as if she were trying to figure out why. It's been awhile since I've seen her so I wasn't sure she knew why I looked different, she just noticed a change. When you are at least 100lbs overweight it takes a lot of weight loss before its immediately obvious that you have changed drastically. I'm looking forward to the time when people see me and are instantly shocked. Since shedding pounds we've had a couple of fire drills at school. During a drill the principal and I walk the school to check to make sure everyone is out. In the past I was breathing hard and my feet and back were always hurting by the time we made it back to the front of the school. This year I feel so much lighter and still have plenty of breath when I finish the fast trek around the school. Now it's difficult to find something in my closet that isn't baggy. It's so hard to shop now because I'm already dying to buy tons of clothes, but am just trying to buy enough to get by as I hopefully wiz through this size to a smaller size. I can't wait until I get to the point I can go crazy buying all the cute "non-plus size" clothes I've always wanted to wear. I keep joking saying no one will have a clue what style of clothing I like because I plan to buy every style I've ever liked because I can. I may be dressed classic style one day and funky the next. The possibilities are exciting.
Despite the challenges of gastric bypass surgery so far the successes outweigh the challenges. I worried because I wouldn't be able to take NSAID drugs such as Advil or Motrin because I had lots of aches and pains. So many of the aches and pains are gone already with only 34 lbs lost. My right hip used to hurt everyday. I rarely notice the pain any more. The reduction in front and, how shall I say it?, "chest weight" makes moving around so much easier. Now my T-Rex arms can actually stretch across the front of my body. There are so many little, everyday blessings and challenges but I'm happy with the results so far.
Challenges are to be expected, but challenges also bring successes. I've now lost 34lbs and am feeling "light". Ha ha, I am almost the same weight as my 6ft 4in tall hubby. In the past being fat wasn't so bad because Jerry was always fat with me and at least a 100 lbs heavier than me. After his surgery he weighed a lot less than me which was depressing since he is more than a foot taller than I am. Now I am 3lbs heavier than him and hopefully getting below his weight will be a quick success. People are beginning to notice my weight loss and that's exciting. It's funny some people ( only those not on FB) still don't know I had surgery. Last week I was at another school doing a walk through and someone I knew from the past saw me and kept saying "you look so good" and just kept looking at me as if she were trying to figure out why. It's been awhile since I've seen her so I wasn't sure she knew why I looked different, she just noticed a change. When you are at least 100lbs overweight it takes a lot of weight loss before its immediately obvious that you have changed drastically. I'm looking forward to the time when people see me and are instantly shocked. Since shedding pounds we've had a couple of fire drills at school. During a drill the principal and I walk the school to check to make sure everyone is out. In the past I was breathing hard and my feet and back were always hurting by the time we made it back to the front of the school. This year I feel so much lighter and still have plenty of breath when I finish the fast trek around the school. Now it's difficult to find something in my closet that isn't baggy. It's so hard to shop now because I'm already dying to buy tons of clothes, but am just trying to buy enough to get by as I hopefully wiz through this size to a smaller size. I can't wait until I get to the point I can go crazy buying all the cute "non-plus size" clothes I've always wanted to wear. I keep joking saying no one will have a clue what style of clothing I like because I plan to buy every style I've ever liked because I can. I may be dressed classic style one day and funky the next. The possibilities are exciting.
Despite the challenges of gastric bypass surgery so far the successes outweigh the challenges. I worried because I wouldn't be able to take NSAID drugs such as Advil or Motrin because I had lots of aches and pains. So many of the aches and pains are gone already with only 34 lbs lost. My right hip used to hurt everyday. I rarely notice the pain any more. The reduction in front and, how shall I say it?, "chest weight" makes moving around so much easier. Now my T-Rex arms can actually stretch across the front of my body. There are so many little, everyday blessings and challenges but I'm happy with the results so far.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Working through the Challenges
I'm almost seven weeks post-op and I've lost about 26 lbs. I still feel like I am losing really slow to have had gastric bypass. I know that's a lot of pounds in a short period of time but I find myself comparing my weight loss to others who have dropped it faster. I've officially reached the stage that my doctor says I can begin to try foods to see how I tolerate them. As I mentioned earlier I was ready for a salad. I've had my share of salads now and have enjoyed eating them again. Actually I tried one before my soft food phase was finished and it didn't agree with me. However, I tried again after I passed that phase and had no problems. Again, follow the rules, I guess there are rules for a reason. The dietician told me to eat a little lettuce with protein on top which is how I eat salad. Since lettuce has no protein, it's important to add it to the salad. I like protein on my salad so that works for me. By the way Mellow Mushroom sells a lil chef, Greek and other salads. They are a really good size even though I still can't eat all of it. At least it's not gigantic like most restaurant salads.
I've returned to work and with that brings challenges for eating. During the first few days of meetings without the return of teachers, eating out went well for me. Actually everything was digesting well. I thought I was past the stage of feeling like food was stuck or feeling that pressure from certain foods. Overall, it is so much better than it was and it is improving each day. However the day the teachers returned and the pace of work picked up as well as the stress of getting things ready for school to open, everything I ate for a few days didn't agree with me. I would guess it is probably from being uptight while trying to digest food. I still feel like I don't have my routine down for eating, taking my lunch, exercising, etc to begin the rat race again. This week was so hectic and busy I only made it to the gym one day. The schedule I thought I had mapped out fell by the wayside because my hubby quit his part-time job. I had plans to go to the gym two times a week in the afternoons while he was working, knowing I didn't have to rush home. This week I realized, as it has been for the last year, planning afternoon trips to the gym don't always materialize. It seems the day I plan it something at work throws a kink in the plan. Jerry has offered to get up three days a week with me at 4:50 to make it to the gym by 5:15 a. m. So many people tell me there is no way they could go to the gym that early. I agree with them. This is going to be a challenge. I am not a morning person and I hate the thoughts of doing it in the morning, but I feel like its the best option. I've done it in the past, but couldn't remain consistent. Maybe we can help each other by kicking one another out of the bed when one of us tries to skip it. One of the biggest problems for me is making myself go to bed earlier. I can't seem to make myself do it and then I'm exhausted in the morning. Let me interject here and say all this is so much harder as I get older. It's true, you just don't have the same level of stamina when you are crawling toward that half century mark. Our goal is to go to the gym Monday, Wenesday and Friday mornings at 5:15 to 6:00, then home to jump in the shower and rush to work. The positive thing about exercising in the morning is the feeling you have in the afternoon when you leave work knowing you're done with the day and you don't have to wrestle with " I need to exercise". For those of you who tell me I'll feel great all day if I exercise in the mornings. I say you are a liar. I've never felt that way when I exercise in the mornings. Usually by 10:00 am I need a nap. Oh well, maybe consistency will change that. Say a prayer for us that we can do this long term. I admire people who develop great habits of exercise and stick with it. I can't ever seem to make these commitments a habit.
I am beginning to understand small portion sizes, but it is still difficult to comprehend filling my plate or bowl with a half cup to a cup of food. Last night Jerry cooked a pot of chili and as I begin to fill my bowl he had to remind me to stop. I wanted to fill it all the way up even though I wouldn't be able to eat it all. It is frustrating at times because I still want more, but I believe that will get easier with time. I still feel confusion at times because I know this is not a diet and I can pretty much eat what I want as long as I eat protein first and limit sugar to less than 15 grams. I can eat french fries with my protein if I want because ultimately if I eat protein first I will only be able to hold a few fries. I do understand that eating healthy is important and honestly I've always enjoyed vegetables and include them in my diet, but I don't have to deprive myself of some of the junk foods I like. One thing I do need to watch though are junk food snacks at night. I really like chips, crackers, etc and crave them especially after dinner. These snacks can prevent weight loss. They are easy to eat and digest so you can graze without thinking. Some people can be annoying trying to tell me how and what healthy, diet type foods i should eat. I know they mean well, but eating after surgery isn't eating like most people diet. So many people love to tell you what kind of vitamin supplements you should take or what kind of food is good for you. When I talk about food or vitamins I am not asking for advise. Some people feel the need to give it well meaning I know, but it gets a little tiring. With that being said, I realize I need to limit my conversation about the surgery, my eating challenges, vitamins, etc. I know hearing that every time you are near me gets old as well.
Although I've lost weight and most people know to look for it, I still haven't lost enough that it stands out when I see someone who doesn't know about the surgery. I'm anxious to get to the place that people really notice at first glance. I know it will come, but I am ready now. I think that is probably what sabotages many overweight people when they are trying to diet. You work so hard, lose a significant amount of weight, but because of your large size it isn't noticeable for awhile. Without the positive feedback, it's easy to give up the challenge.
Next week the students return so the daily routine continues and new challenges begin for me. I look forward to the distraction so I think of something besides food and weight loss, but I also worry about handling stress and maintaining right eating, taking vitamins and exercise.
5 Minute Nachos
Multigrain Scoops
Leftover chili (with meat and beans)
Salsa
Chopped cilantro and chives
Shredded cheddar cheese
Sour cream
I've returned to work and with that brings challenges for eating. During the first few days of meetings without the return of teachers, eating out went well for me. Actually everything was digesting well. I thought I was past the stage of feeling like food was stuck or feeling that pressure from certain foods. Overall, it is so much better than it was and it is improving each day. However the day the teachers returned and the pace of work picked up as well as the stress of getting things ready for school to open, everything I ate for a few days didn't agree with me. I would guess it is probably from being uptight while trying to digest food. I still feel like I don't have my routine down for eating, taking my lunch, exercising, etc to begin the rat race again. This week was so hectic and busy I only made it to the gym one day. The schedule I thought I had mapped out fell by the wayside because my hubby quit his part-time job. I had plans to go to the gym two times a week in the afternoons while he was working, knowing I didn't have to rush home. This week I realized, as it has been for the last year, planning afternoon trips to the gym don't always materialize. It seems the day I plan it something at work throws a kink in the plan. Jerry has offered to get up three days a week with me at 4:50 to make it to the gym by 5:15 a. m. So many people tell me there is no way they could go to the gym that early. I agree with them. This is going to be a challenge. I am not a morning person and I hate the thoughts of doing it in the morning, but I feel like its the best option. I've done it in the past, but couldn't remain consistent. Maybe we can help each other by kicking one another out of the bed when one of us tries to skip it. One of the biggest problems for me is making myself go to bed earlier. I can't seem to make myself do it and then I'm exhausted in the morning. Let me interject here and say all this is so much harder as I get older. It's true, you just don't have the same level of stamina when you are crawling toward that half century mark. Our goal is to go to the gym Monday, Wenesday and Friday mornings at 5:15 to 6:00, then home to jump in the shower and rush to work. The positive thing about exercising in the morning is the feeling you have in the afternoon when you leave work knowing you're done with the day and you don't have to wrestle with " I need to exercise". For those of you who tell me I'll feel great all day if I exercise in the mornings. I say you are a liar. I've never felt that way when I exercise in the mornings. Usually by 10:00 am I need a nap. Oh well, maybe consistency will change that. Say a prayer for us that we can do this long term. I admire people who develop great habits of exercise and stick with it. I can't ever seem to make these commitments a habit.
I am beginning to understand small portion sizes, but it is still difficult to comprehend filling my plate or bowl with a half cup to a cup of food. Last night Jerry cooked a pot of chili and as I begin to fill my bowl he had to remind me to stop. I wanted to fill it all the way up even though I wouldn't be able to eat it all. It is frustrating at times because I still want more, but I believe that will get easier with time. I still feel confusion at times because I know this is not a diet and I can pretty much eat what I want as long as I eat protein first and limit sugar to less than 15 grams. I can eat french fries with my protein if I want because ultimately if I eat protein first I will only be able to hold a few fries. I do understand that eating healthy is important and honestly I've always enjoyed vegetables and include them in my diet, but I don't have to deprive myself of some of the junk foods I like. One thing I do need to watch though are junk food snacks at night. I really like chips, crackers, etc and crave them especially after dinner. These snacks can prevent weight loss. They are easy to eat and digest so you can graze without thinking. Some people can be annoying trying to tell me how and what healthy, diet type foods i should eat. I know they mean well, but eating after surgery isn't eating like most people diet. So many people love to tell you what kind of vitamin supplements you should take or what kind of food is good for you. When I talk about food or vitamins I am not asking for advise. Some people feel the need to give it well meaning I know, but it gets a little tiring. With that being said, I realize I need to limit my conversation about the surgery, my eating challenges, vitamins, etc. I know hearing that every time you are near me gets old as well.
Although I've lost weight and most people know to look for it, I still haven't lost enough that it stands out when I see someone who doesn't know about the surgery. I'm anxious to get to the place that people really notice at first glance. I know it will come, but I am ready now. I think that is probably what sabotages many overweight people when they are trying to diet. You work so hard, lose a significant amount of weight, but because of your large size it isn't noticeable for awhile. Without the positive feedback, it's easy to give up the challenge.
Next week the students return so the daily routine continues and new challenges begin for me. I look forward to the distraction so I think of something besides food and weight loss, but I also worry about handling stress and maintaining right eating, taking vitamins and exercise.
5 Minute Nachos
Leftover chili (with meat and beans)
Salsa
Chopped cilantro and chives
Shredded cheddar cheese
Sour cream
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Keeping a Positive Outlook
I'm almost 4 weeks post-op. It seems like so much longer. Although many things get easier each day, I think I am entering the reality phase now. Each day has it struggles and some days facing them is tiring. There are many positives, but honestly I haven't felt as much excitement from them as I expected. Yesterday I had my four week appointment with my physician. I have lost 19 lbs according to his scales. My scales were showing less so I was happy to take his as official. I really thought I would feel more excitement about it, but I think I am feeling down in the dumps a little now. As you all know I've been experimenting with food. The last couple of weeks I believe I was too brave and I've paid for it. I've not been sick enough to throw-up, but after eating sometimes I am nauseated and miserable for at least 30 minutes. The dietician told me I needed to eat soft foods for the next two weeks so I am trying to do that now. It does help me feel better when I eat according to the rules.
As I mentioned earlier I am feeling a little down. I am not sure if it is from the surgery, changing my eating habits or that summer is ending and it's almost time to return to work. I always begin to feel this way when summer break is over. Usually I am a little ready to go back, but right now I am not feeling it. I feel tired, but restless all at the same time. Although part of me thinks the routine will be easier because I can begin to focus on something besides eating and losing weight. On the other hand I dread the pace again and am curious how difficult this will be when "stress" happens. One day a few weeks ago I went in for a few hours. I have had NO desire for sweets since the surgery. Sweets typcially are not my food of choice, but savory and salty foods are my favorites. I laughed because while in the office I immediately felt a craving for a butterfinger. That would be because our office is always full of candy and there is a drawer full of fun sized butterfingers. I hope as the year becomes stressful I can handle not having food as a source of comfort. After a long, hard day at work I love to go out to eat Mexican food or just have a nice, yummy meal at home. Although I still eat (a few tablespoons), the entire eating experience has changed. It is over in a matter of minutes. Nibbling and savoring a couple of extra bites are out of the question unless I want to feel pain and pressure. I miss the nibbling after the meal more than the actual meal itself. We have continued to eat out, but it is still hard to order a small enough portion. We are still working through the process trying not to order too much food. We ALWAYS have leftovers. The bad thing is leftovers don't settle well when re-heated. The dietician shared that re-heating food makes it more difficult to digest. I know I need to replace my stress "go to" with something besides food. The bad thing is I haven't found anything I like as well as food when I want to wind down. Some people (a friend of mine) and I will not mention names says gastric bypass is the easy way to lose weight. It isn't the easy way for me. I believe losing it on my own was easier than losing it from surgery. Don't get me wrong, you have no choice but to lose it, so you will lose weight. However, not having the choice is HARD. When you are sick of the whole thing and you just want to be done and eat whatever you want, you can't. However, the desire to eat is still just as strong. I was thinking about the process today and comparing it to having a good friend that you know is a bad influence in your life. You know you shouldn't hang around the person because they bring out negative in you or keep you from being successful, yet you like to be with them. You miss them when you decide to put some distance between the two of you. You actually grieve their friendship though you know it's best to stay away. I think that is the way I feel about food. I know too much is bad for me, terrible for my health, the way I feel, yet I miss it and I grieve for it. For me I feel like I am disciplined in many areas of my life and I've never liked having to feel disciplined when it camed to eating. I didn't want to think about counting calories or carbs or exercising.
We are considering a weekend at the beach since we didn't get a vacation. I figure food should be really cheap. Again, it is difficult thinking about vacation because to me vacation typically means good food, nice restaurants, etc. However, I am going to try and enjoy the beach and shopping. I do love both of those. Hopefully as the weight continues to drop my excitement will increase. I think once everything in my closet is too big, I will feel lots of excitement.
Latest Cravings
McDonalds little hamburger
French Fries
Chips and Salsa and Guacamole Dip
Salad
Isn't it funny that salad is on my list? I asked the dietician when I could have a salad. She told me that was her biggest question from bariatric patients. She is a WLS person herself and said she never wanted salad because it was healthy. I find it odd that all of fatties crave salad now.
As I mentioned earlier I am feeling a little down. I am not sure if it is from the surgery, changing my eating habits or that summer is ending and it's almost time to return to work. I always begin to feel this way when summer break is over. Usually I am a little ready to go back, but right now I am not feeling it. I feel tired, but restless all at the same time. Although part of me thinks the routine will be easier because I can begin to focus on something besides eating and losing weight. On the other hand I dread the pace again and am curious how difficult this will be when "stress" happens. One day a few weeks ago I went in for a few hours. I have had NO desire for sweets since the surgery. Sweets typcially are not my food of choice, but savory and salty foods are my favorites. I laughed because while in the office I immediately felt a craving for a butterfinger. That would be because our office is always full of candy and there is a drawer full of fun sized butterfingers. I hope as the year becomes stressful I can handle not having food as a source of comfort. After a long, hard day at work I love to go out to eat Mexican food or just have a nice, yummy meal at home. Although I still eat (a few tablespoons), the entire eating experience has changed. It is over in a matter of minutes. Nibbling and savoring a couple of extra bites are out of the question unless I want to feel pain and pressure. I miss the nibbling after the meal more than the actual meal itself. We have continued to eat out, but it is still hard to order a small enough portion. We are still working through the process trying not to order too much food. We ALWAYS have leftovers. The bad thing is leftovers don't settle well when re-heated. The dietician shared that re-heating food makes it more difficult to digest. I know I need to replace my stress "go to" with something besides food. The bad thing is I haven't found anything I like as well as food when I want to wind down. Some people (a friend of mine) and I will not mention names says gastric bypass is the easy way to lose weight. It isn't the easy way for me. I believe losing it on my own was easier than losing it from surgery. Don't get me wrong, you have no choice but to lose it, so you will lose weight. However, not having the choice is HARD. When you are sick of the whole thing and you just want to be done and eat whatever you want, you can't. However, the desire to eat is still just as strong. I was thinking about the process today and comparing it to having a good friend that you know is a bad influence in your life. You know you shouldn't hang around the person because they bring out negative in you or keep you from being successful, yet you like to be with them. You miss them when you decide to put some distance between the two of you. You actually grieve their friendship though you know it's best to stay away. I think that is the way I feel about food. I know too much is bad for me, terrible for my health, the way I feel, yet I miss it and I grieve for it. For me I feel like I am disciplined in many areas of my life and I've never liked having to feel disciplined when it camed to eating. I didn't want to think about counting calories or carbs or exercising.
We are considering a weekend at the beach since we didn't get a vacation. I figure food should be really cheap. Again, it is difficult thinking about vacation because to me vacation typically means good food, nice restaurants, etc. However, I am going to try and enjoy the beach and shopping. I do love both of those. Hopefully as the weight continues to drop my excitement will increase. I think once everything in my closet is too big, I will feel lots of excitement.
Latest Cravings
McDonalds little hamburger
French Fries
Chips and Salsa and Guacamole Dip
Salad
Isn't it funny that salad is on my list? I asked the dietician when I could have a salad. She told me that was her biggest question from bariatric patients. She is a WLS person herself and said she never wanted salad because it was healthy. I find it odd that all of fatties crave salad now.
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