Today is the first day I have really felt like posting anything. The surgery went well as far as I know. Several days before the surgery I was anxious. I am usually anxious just thinking about being put to sleep and having surgery. However, doing it voluntarily as an elective surgery just made it more scary. I had many thoughts, like what if I become disabled from surgery and right now I am healthy, what if all the bad stuff that has happened to others happens to me? I hated those thoughts, but I kept telling myself, it is a risk, but so is being overweight. It was a risk, and as I see it now, it continues to be a risk. I talked to several people before the surgery, went through all the classes, have family members in my home who have had the surgery, but all that still doesn't take away the fear of the unknown as well as the feelings you have after the surgery.
Monday morning after waking from the surgery, I was in severe pain. I remember groaning "I hurt". However, not long afterwards I was in my room with a morphine pump for pain as well as other IV fluids. Most of that day was blurry because I was sleeping most of the day. I remember trying to get comfortable with the incisions in my abdomen. I had dreaded this day because I knew I would have nothing by mouth, that includes even water or an ice chip until the following morning. I was in my room by 10:30 a.m so I knew for 24 hours despite my dry mouth I couldn't have a thing. I must say, knowing this ahead of time was one of my biggest fears. I couldn't imagine going that long without even a gulp of water. This is to make sure you have a little time to heal before they check your new bypass for leaks. Actually it didn't end up being as bad as I had expected. They gave me some sponge swabs. I could wet them and spit. I was also able to have ice water that I could swish in my mouth and spit out. That really got me thorough. Someone was visiting me and I was feeling very drugged and I swished and swallowed. I totally freaked out, told the nurse. She told me not to worry, but I had to think before I put the water in my mouth. One of the requirements of this surgery is to get up and walk as soon as the pain medication begins to wear off. Walking with an IV pole and a catheter isn't easy. They have a path at the hospital, with a white board and your room number on the board. You have to walk 30 laps on their path, which is down two short halls before you leave. It isn't as easy as it sounds, but gives you something to do when you feel uncomfortable and miserable. Throughout the day as I was awake I thought I don't feel that horrible.
Tuesday was different. I got up, brushed my teeth because on top of no liquids, they have also shoved blue dye down your throat during surgery. I actually had a blue tongue days after I came home and they left a nice little blue streak in my hair. I was able to get it out, thank goodness. I washed my face and decided to walk before I was called down for the barium swallow. To think my first liquid to swallow would be barium just made me feel sick. I walked and then got back in bed and was hurting so I pushed the morphine pump. The morphine had already made me feel nauseated throughout the night so I had also had phenegren (sp). Once I pushed the morphine pump within a few minutes I was so nauseated. About that time, they came in to take me down for the barium swallow. I had a cold rag with me, but I was terrified of throwing up. The swallow was gross, I felt so sick. I made it and didn't throw up.
Wednesday I went home. Tuesday night was terrible. I felt horrible, couldn't get comfortable, was sick of dragging the IV pole (the cath was gone now, but still had IV in my hand). I thought I was going to lose my mind before I was released Wednesday. I was so uncomfortable, hadn't had a shower and just wanted to be home. I was really anxious. When I got home I immediately took a shower and took pain medication and went to bed. Getting comfortable at home was also hard, but being in my bed helped. I slept a lot that day and all night. I was up and down. The pain medication made me feel horrible. I felt nauseated and had a massive headache. Once I got up I moved to the recliner, but all I could do is feel drowsy. I was tired of sleeping, but couldn't wake up. I finally went on my back porch and drank a half- cup of coffee (with caffeine). I know I wasn't supposed to have caffeine, but I needed something to make me feel better. I sat on the porch, felt regret about having the surgery. I felt miserable. The longer I sat outside, I was able to wake up and begin to feel a little better. Eventually I had things like broth, jello, Popsicle, but mostly I craved water. I tried unsweetened tea with sweet-n-low, which I normally love, but it tasted terrible. Throughout the day I face booked, talked on the phone with a friend that is almost a year post op, texted friends, and I walked laps in my house. I was beginning to feel a little human again.
Each day since then I have begun to show improvement. Friday I went to the doctor to have the drain tube removed. Not every doctor uses them, but mine does. It is the most disgusting thing ever. It bled on my clothing, it was in the way and just looking at the blood in the bulb made me feel sick. When it filled with blood I had to squeeze it out in the toilet. It is soooo gross, especially when you have the overall feeling of nausea. I hadn't really lost any weight at the doctor. They say at first you may even show a weight gain because of all the fluids they pump in you while in the hospital. I wasn't really discouraged by that because right now I can't really think about weight and being skinny. I just want to feel better. My doctor oked me to begin cream soups or pureed foods. That made me happy. I had runny oatmeal, tomato soup and then and pureed dumplings with broth for dinner. I had pressure in my chest throughout the night. I haven't taken in that much is days. By the way, I only had about two tablespoons of all of those things. I can't judge yet the full feeling. It is hard for me to tell while I am eating, but a little while afterwards I sometimes I feel pressure in my throat chest area. Oh one new big change is that you cannot drink anything while you eat or for thirty minutes afterwards. Oh My God, that is the longest thirty minutes ever. I always drink at least two glasses with my meal and then more afterwards. The doctor said I had to do the protein drinks. A high protein diet is a must. Without the protein, you cannot heal and in a few months your hair will begin to fall out. Even with the threat of losing my hair, which I thought I can drink poison to prevent, I am having a hard time. I've tried them and hate them, but I made one and kept it in the fridge and would pour about an ounce at a time and sip it. I was able to drink more of it yesterday. The only drink I want right now is water. I am supposed to drink 64 ounces of water (not easy). Today I tried instant grits. They were nasty, but I had a couple of tablespoons. I stopped the pain meds and started liquid tylenol which also taste horrible. So last night I took a half of valium to sleep. I have it for vertigo and thought maybe I could rest if I took it. I was able to sleep a little better, but am having crazy dreams. This surgery is difficult both physically and emotionally. Even though I am not hungry, I still desire all my favorite foods. Watching TV and seeing food commercials are torture. All I can think about is when I can eat my favorite foods again. I am constantly on the internet reading blogs, websites, you name it. It is hard to mend when you can't take in food. To me food is always healing when I am physically ill. Changing my thinking is hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment