It's been four and a half months now and I have lost 45 pounds. I feel a little disappointed that I am losing the weight at such a slow rate. As long as I lose it all I will be ok with the pace, but I worry deep down sometimes that I may not lose the full 100 lbs. Overall though, everything is good for me. I feel good and it's nice to be able to fit in smaller clothes and feel lighter. I struggle with exercising consistently and as often as I would like. I know we do what we want and that's why I struggle because let's face it, who really wants to take time out of their busy day to exercise? I've done ok, usually exercising anywhere from two to four days a week. However I have begun to feel like I need to do more than walk the neighborhood or the treadmill. Last week a couple of teachers from my school talked me into going to boot camp. I was apprehensive since I know I am not ready for that level of exercise, but I went anyway. I was actually feeling light until I began boot camp. It only took about five minutes for my legs and body to feel as heavy as lead. I couldn't do a lot of the exercises but I tried. I must have worked some muscles since my legs and back hurt so bad for two days I could hardly go from a sitting to standing position without excruciating pain. It's hard to believe I used to be athletic and coordinated because you wouldn't know it now. It's depressing how we lose our coordination as we age. My head still thinks I can move like I used to, but my body does not cooperate.
Lately eating is easier and I seem to be able to eat more at times. It's nice to enjoy food again, but at the same time that's a little scary too. Last week when Halloween candy was being hoisted on my desk as gifts it was hard not to pick up the candy and eat it without thinking like I did pre-surgery. I managed to eat only one fun size candy bar so I guess I did ok. Since I don't crave sweets very often it wasn't as difficult to avoid as carbs are for me. I crave potato chips or anything in that family. I constantly want salty, crunchy snacks. I try to eat the 100 calorie snack pack of peanuts or almonds for protein but I prefer chips and Cheetos and any other type of chip. I also crave French fries, but try to avoid them. Jerry cooks good meals, but they probably aren't the best for a high protein diet. Part of the reason eating meat as protein is a good thing is because it fills you up quicker. However eating casseroles and pasta are easier and more tasty. I think I need to keep a food journal again so I can see how many calories and nutrients I am taking in daily. I've stopped doing that and know I need to begin again. I think it's especially important now because I've noticed I want to eat like before. I think about eating and snacking even when I am not really hungry.
My hair has started falling out and that freaks me out. I knew it would happen and I just hope that my normally thick head of hair will sustain me through the shedding phase without looking bad. I colored my hair brown instead of highlighting it to keep it healthy and away from bleach. It's much more difficult for me to style as well since my thinner hair doesn't take product as well as thicker hair. It could be I don't know which products to use right now. Hopefully this won't last long. I feel like my bathroom has become home to cousin "IT".
One of the most difficult things to remember is taking my vitamins. It's hard to remember throughout the day, and sometimes I don't remember or only take part of what I need. They don't always agree with my digestive system either. I know I have to take them forever which is a chore to me. I try to tell myself it's no different than a daily medication.
Since I've been so open about my surgery most people look and say they notice the weight loss. In the last couple of weeks people who don't see me often or that are not on fb have started to notice. I was in the elevator a couple of weeks ago at the board office with someone from the dept where I worked before. She commented and told me I looked good and she liked my brown hair. Then she said, "does that haircut make you look skinnier"? A couple of people have had difficulty recognizing me and tell me I look different. I've just commented and said "I changed my hair color". Last Sunday at church a lady I only know to say hello, asked if I had lost weight. She said I looked great and that even her husband had commented about my weight loss.
I've finally reached the point where the first number on the scale begins with a 1. Woo hoo! That was/is probably the biggest milestone I had hoped to reach. I can't remember how long it's been since I saw that number first on the scale. I know it's been more than 12 years. I've also started shopping in the regular sizes. I'm still at the upper range, but even so, I made it there. I never imagined shopping would be hard for me, but now I am in a territory I haven't experienced in a decade or more. It's hard for me to know what to try on, what style I even like now. I knew how to shop in the plus sizes, but my style there depended on what options were available and what fit so that I covered and hid what I could and still looked stylish. I'm currently in an awkward stage with clothes and have only shopped in limited stores. I'm trying to keep the cost down knowing they shouldn't last long at my current size. Recently I began thinking about some of the stores I might be able to frequent soon. I want to lose a little more before I venture to all the shops I have bypassed for years only to find the places that sold large sizes.
The journey continues and I am anxious to get to the the final destination. I am impatient and want to already be a size 10. I think it is harder now than before because I feel the urge to eat again. I get hungry and still have "mental hunger" too. I find myself thinking of food too often and know that the thought patterns that got me to my highest weight are not gone. It seems that even when I can't eat another bite and I feel sick, as soon as it passes, I want to eat again. I love food and don't know if that will ever pass. My husband tells me food just isn't as important any longer, but I have yet to feel that way. Even when food wasn't good, I still wanted it to be good and I still thought about what I might eat that would taste good. I pray I find a balance with my desire to eat and my eating habits.
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