I have bypassed my one year anniversary since my weight loss surgery and I've lost 80 pounds. I had hoped to reach a 100 pound loss at this point, but I am happy with the results despite not reaching my goal as quickly as I had anticipated. Before the summer I had begun to drastically slow down on the weight loss. However, after a month vacation with no car in NYC I was able to lose 10 pounds. Right before vacation I had my annual physical with my physician. I no longer have high blood pressure, no longer have high cholesterol and all my vitamin levels are good. I feel great!
For the past year I have consistently maintained exercise. I haven't always done as much as I want or should, but nevertheless, I have kept it up. It was so helpful for a month of constant walking in NYC. I would not have been able to enjoy such a vacation a year earlier with 80 extra pounds and a lot less muscle. I was amazed that although I was tired from the daily walking, I never remember having aching feet like I would have before. I had so much stamina compared to before my surgery. I've also surprised myself at the gym because I am able to run a little on the treadmill.
It seems I am just now beginning to feel like I have lost a significant amount. For me these last 10 lbs have helped me begin to feel like a normal sized person. Before that I felt little differences mentally. Even though I had noticed the physical changes, mentally I still felt huge. Even now, I am surprised sometimes when I see myself in pictures. My face seems so thin, but I don't notice it as much in the mirror. When I visited my doctor she told me losing the rest would be a struggle and require effort. My goal had been to change my diet when I returned from vacation, but it hasn't been easy after eating everything I wanted while on vacation. I'm giving myself a little slack right now since starting the school year makes it hard to concentrate on dieting. I haven't developed a good routine for eating and exercising yet.
I am somewhat ashamed and surprised by some of the emotions I feel since losing weight. I never expected to look at overweight people in a different light, but I find myself seeing people that are overweight differently now. I can't really explain the feelings, but one thing that I have recognized is how easily I notice people that are overweight or that have gained weight. Part of me feels bad for them, then I catch myself fearing weight gain again. I have a hard time judging people and their sizes now. Sometimes people seem larger than they are to me while others seem smaller than their true sizes. I think my mind hasn't adapted yet to my own changes so its difficult for me to notice the reality of others while trying to compare myself to them. It's strange because part of me feels like the positive changes are temporary and I will go back to my old self eventually. I don't like those feelings but want to keep them in the back of my mind so that I don't return to that person again. I fear it because I still have the same cravings and desires to eat what I want. I still want to eat a lot even when I can't hold it. Sometimes I can eat much more than I thought was possible and that also scares me. I still think about food in the same way I did before and I still want to eat to relieve stress. I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with less food and if I will ever have the thoughts of eating to live instead of living to eat.
My biggest challenge so far is ahead of me; losing the last 20 pounds. After that an even bigger challenge will be keeping it off. I am going to do my best to stay the course and finish this task. I'm speaking in faith saying its going to happen, but I know it's going to be a challenge.
Cindy Pafford
