There have been misconceptions on my part about what I thought would happen for me after surgery. Although I was informed in every class, meeting, etc that this wouldn't be an automatic cure for overeating and weight gain, in my mind I thought losing would be easy. My thoughts were, I am a big portion eater, my portions will be cut so how can I not drop weight quickly? It's amazing how God made our bodies so perfectly to adapt to our situations. I find that now since I can't eat large portions, I want to snack, eat more frequently and I crave the things I shouldn't have. I have never been a huge sweet lover, but just loved food and lots of it. Lately I want sweets, chips, rice and pasta. All of those things are easy to digest and I can hold more. My mind and body have found ways for me to eat "more".
I am proud of myself for the things I have done "right". I weigh daily and though many say that's a bad thing, for me it keeps me focused on what I still need to accomplish. I have also continued to exercise consistently even though sometimes I am "inconsistent", ha ha. There are weeks I don't make it to the gym, or don't walk in the neighborhood because of my busy and exhausting work schedule, but I have been good about jumping right back in and starting back as soon as I can squeeze it back in my schedule. While on vacation during spring break, I forced my husband to go for a long walk one evening. I also went for a long walk on the beach one day. One day after we ate a hamburger and fries I insisted we walk the downtown area to sightsee so we could work off the food we ate. In the past I would have wanted to figure out how to drive to see everything. It is amazing how invigorating a walk can be now because I don't feel I am dragging a big weight behind me. Although I don't love exercising, I don't mind exercising with a purpose, like sightseeing or beach exploration. I still hate going to the gym or walking in the neighborhood. It isn't so bad once I begin and I always feel better afterwards but it is still a chore to just do it. Because I feel better as a result of exercise, I want to keep it up forever.
One of the greatest joys and also biggest vices about weight loss is the thrill of shopping now. I've always loved clothes and fashion, even as a plus sized woman. As I transitioned from summer to fall, to winter while losing weight, I gradually moved out of clothes while buying new clothes. As soon as spring arrived, I realized I have nothing I can wear from last season. It's hard, especially if you are the type that likes clothes. I have no base like shorts to bum around the house, or T-shirts to throw on to go for a walk or the tanning bed, etc. I have had to buy everything from camisoles to bras and panties. You forget how you accumulate things you don't think much about when you have old stuff you hold on to over the years. I even had to buy a swimsuit for our vacation even though I knew I would probably only wear it once or twice at the beach since it was still cool. I had nothing from my old stash I could get by with for a few hours. Shopping becomes addictive especially now that I have the option of almost any store since I am in normal sizes. When I go to a store and pick up an arm load of clothes, go in the dressing room and they all fit and look so cute I really want to go crazy. I want to shop all the time. This could potentially be dangerous. I need lots of money!
With weight loss there are those reminders of what I have done to my body by allowing myself to gain so much weight. Before weight loss I felt more comfortable wearing sleeveless shirts than I do now. At least my arms were full. Now I have what I call bat wings and the flab is more evident. I still have this stomach hangover of skin that prevents me from wearing certain pants or dresses because it shows even when I put on spanx. The flab in my stomach still keeps me in larger sized pants even though my legs and behind could fit in smaller sizes. I need all the lifts available because everything that drooped before has completely fallen now.
I am fighting this battle and I want to win. The last part of the journey is the hardest, but I want to remain committed to a better, healthier lifestyle. If you are reading this blog, remember to pray for me as I try to remain committed to being what I was created to be, a healthy woman that can accomplish what God has intended for me to do for him.
