Weight Loss Journey Challenges

I have bypassed my one year anniversary since my weight loss surgery and I've lost 80 pounds. I had hoped to reach a 100 pound loss at this point, but I am happy with the results despite not reaching my goal as quickly as I had anticipated.   Before the summer I had begun to drastically slow down on the weight loss. However, after a month vacation with no car in NYC I was able to lose 10 pounds. Right before vacation I had my annual physical with my physician. I no longer have high blood pressure, no longer have high cholesterol and all my vitamin levels are good. I feel great!  

For the past year I have consistently maintained exercise. I haven't always done as much as I want or should, but nevertheless, I have kept it up. It was so helpful for a month of constant walking in NYC. I would not have been able to enjoy such a vacation a year earlier with 80 extra pounds and a lot less muscle.  I was amazed that although I was tired from the daily walking, I never remember having aching feet like I would have before. I had so much stamina compared to before my surgery.  I've also surprised myself at the gym because I am able to run a little on the treadmill. 

It seems I am just now beginning to feel like I have lost a significant amount. For me these last 10 lbs have helped me begin to feel like a normal sized person. Before that I felt little differences mentally. Even though I had noticed the physical changes, mentally I still felt huge. Even now, I am surprised sometimes when I see myself in pictures. My face seems so thin, but I don't notice it as much in the mirror.   When I visited my doctor she told me losing the rest would be a struggle and require effort.  My goal had been to change my diet when I returned from vacation, but it hasn't been easy after eating everything I wanted while on vacation. I'm giving myself a little slack right now since starting the school year makes it hard to concentrate on dieting. I haven't developed a good routine for eating and exercising yet. 

I am somewhat ashamed and surprised by some of the emotions I feel since losing weight. I never expected to look at overweight people in a different light, but I find myself seeing people that are overweight differently now. I can't really explain the feelings, but one thing that I have recognized is how easily I notice people that are overweight or that have gained weight.  Part of me feels bad for them, then I catch myself fearing weight gain again.  I have a hard time judging people and their sizes now. Sometimes people seem larger than they are to me while others seem smaller than their true sizes. I think my mind hasn't adapted yet to my own changes so its difficult for me to notice the reality of others while trying to compare myself to them. It's strange because part of me feels like the positive changes are temporary and I will go back to my old self eventually. I don't like those feelings but want to keep them in the back of my mind so that I don't return to that person again. I fear it because I still have the same cravings and desires to eat what I want. I still want to eat a lot even when I can't hold it. Sometimes I can eat much more than I thought was possible and that also scares me. I still think about food in the same way I did before and I still want to eat to relieve stress. I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with less food and if I will ever have the thoughts of eating to live instead of living to eat. 

My biggest challenge so far is ahead of me; losing the last 20 pounds. After that an even bigger challenge will be keeping it off.   I am going to do my best to stay the course and finish this task. I'm speaking in faith saying its going to happen, but I know it's going to be a challenge. 


Cindy Pafford

Committed to Win the Battle

I'm nearing my year anniversary of my surgery and still worry that I may not reach my goal. I continue to worry a little that I will not hit that 100 pound goal.   Even my surgeon and the nutritionist seem surprised that I have lost slowly. They always tell me to exercise more and cut down on carbs. I have come to the realization that I truly was not fooling myself when I would try to lose weight before surgery and it would creep off even when I was doing all the right things. I have looked back over my weight loss records and I am actually not losing much differently than I did in the beginning. I have moved along at a snails pace all along but haven't ever plateaued for long like some do. I'm ok with that as long as I lose it all.   I realize though that I have got to do the right things to get there, especially now as I am on the last half of the journey. 

There have been misconceptions on my part about what I thought would happen for me after surgery.  Although I was informed in every class, meeting, etc that this wouldn't be an automatic cure for overeating and weight gain, in my mind I thought losing would be easy. My thoughts were, I am a big portion eater, my portions will be cut so how can I not drop weight quickly?  It's amazing how God made our bodies so perfectly to adapt to our situations.  I find that now since I can't eat large portions, I want to snack, eat more frequently and I crave the things I shouldn't have.  I have never been a huge sweet lover, but just loved food and lots of it.  Lately I want sweets, chips, rice and pasta. All of those things are easy to digest and I can hold more. My mind and body have found ways for me to eat "more". 

I am proud of myself for the things I have done "right". I weigh daily and though many say that's a bad thing, for me it keeps me focused on what I still need to accomplish. I have also continued to exercise consistently even though sometimes I am "inconsistent", ha ha.  There are weeks I don't make it to the gym, or don't walk in the neighborhood because of my busy and exhausting work schedule, but I have been good about jumping right back in and starting back as soon as I can squeeze it back in my schedule.  While on vacation during spring break, I forced my husband to go for a long walk one evening. I also went for a long walk on the beach one day. One day after we ate a hamburger and fries I insisted we walk the downtown area to sightsee so we could work off the food we ate. In the past I would have wanted to figure out how to drive to see everything.  It is amazing how invigorating a walk can be now because I don't feel I am dragging a big weight behind me. Although I don't  love exercising,  I don't mind exercising with a purpose, like sightseeing or beach exploration. I still hate going to the gym or walking in the neighborhood. It isn't so bad once I begin and I always feel better afterwards but it is still a chore to just do it. Because I feel better as a result of exercise, I want to keep it up forever. 

One of the greatest joys and also biggest vices about weight loss is the thrill of shopping now. I've always loved clothes and fashion, even as a plus sized woman. As I transitioned from summer to fall, to winter while losing weight, I gradually moved out of clothes while buying new clothes. As soon as spring arrived, I realized I have nothing I can wear from last season. It's hard, especially if you are the type that likes clothes. I  have no base like shorts to bum around the house, or T-shirts to throw on to go for a walk or the tanning bed, etc.  I have had to buy everything from camisoles to bras and panties. You forget how you accumulate things you don't think much about when you have old stuff you hold on to over the years. I even had to buy a swimsuit for our vacation even though I knew I would probably only wear it once or twice at the beach since it was still cool. I had nothing from my old stash I could get by with for a few hours.  Shopping becomes addictive especially now that I have the option of almost any store since I am in normal sizes. When I go to a store and pick up an arm load of clothes, go in the dressing room and they all fit and look so cute I really want to go crazy. I want to shop all the time.  This could potentially be dangerous. I need lots of money!  

With weight loss there are those reminders of what I have done to my body by allowing myself to gain so much weight. Before weight loss I felt more comfortable wearing sleeveless shirts than I do now. At least my arms were full. Now I have what I call bat wings and the flab is more evident. I still have this stomach hangover of skin that prevents me from wearing certain pants or dresses because it shows even when I put on spanx. The flab in my stomach still keeps me in larger sized pants even though my legs and behind could fit in smaller sizes. I need all the lifts available because everything that drooped before has completely fallen now. 

I am fighting this battle and I want to win. The last part of the journey is the hardest, but I want to remain committed to a better, healthier lifestyle. If you are reading this blog, remember to pray for me as I try to remain committed to being what I was created to be, a healthy woman that can accomplish what God has intended for me to do for him. 

Second Half of the Journey

I am now six months out since surgery and am doing well. I've lost 57 lbs and am feeling great.  It's the little things that pleasantly surprise me like crossing my legs comfortably, sitting Indian style without losing the feeling in my legs, not feeling the seat belt pinching me and not feeling out of breath after taking a brisk walk. Recently we had to take an unexpected long car trip. We took my car, which is small, with three passengers and all our luggage. I was surprised how much easier it is to travel when you weigh less. I was able to move around and change positions so I didn't get stiff and achy. Of course, heated seats are also a great invention. There are still the constant reminders of the pounds left behind too. I still have to wear long enough shirts, sweaters and jackets to cover my tummy because of the flab. I get a view of the sag all over each morning and evening as I'm dressing.  I still have to search to find the right fit because now as my behind and legs are slimmer I still have a lot left in the middle so finding the right pant isn't always easy. Most of my shoes are now too large. I have had to buy inserts and shoe liners to keep from losing my shoes when I walk. Sometimes when I touch my shoulders I feel my shoulder bones, which is weird. Sometimes I feel skinny until I put on clothes that are too tight and then I realize just how far from skinny I really am.

Mentally I still think like a fat person most of the time. I still love food, think about it hours before its time to eat, love to watch cooking shows and looking at food pictures and recipes. Even though I know I will not be able to eat much, I still want the experience to be delightful. My husband says food isn't that important any more, but I haven't felt that way. In some ways it's more important because if I'm only able to hold a few bites, I want them to be delicious. When I'm sick I also still think like the old me. I always feel like food will make me feel better even though the last time I ate I felt nauseated.

My hair has stopped thinning. Lucky for me I have thick hair so it really wasn't noticeable. Taking vitamins continues to be a challenge. Sometimes it's just hard to remember. Until a few weeks ago I was doing well exercising. During the holidays I didn't make it much to the gym or outdoors for a walk. I'm not stressing much about it as long as I'm doing what I need to be healthy. It's not something I hate as much anymore. It's so much easier to exercise now. However I know I'm not going to be a boot camp exerciser or a runner. I hate both of those.

I am on the second half of my journey and look forward to reaching and maintaining my goal of 100lb  weight loss and a size 10.